Are you the pig or the chicken?

Commitment is a pledge, a promise, an obligation.  It is the thing we do when we feel compelled to do the "right" thing.  For most of us, commitment is not sexy, or exciting; in fact, it can be scary or suffocating.  But if you are in a relationship, at some point there is always a choice to be made.  Do you seek commitment or do you merely want to continue with the status quo?

Commitment is not for everyone, and every relationship should not graduate to that level.  It depends on so many things.  Yet many people assume that all relationships between men and women must evolve into a committed relationship and when they do not, the feelings of frustration, anger, fear, and hurt can cause people to push too hard.  We have all been there, mainly because it is rare that two people arrive at the exact same point within the relationship at the same time.  If you get there first, and feel that longing for your mate to acknowledge and commit to you it can be terrifying.  The reason is because if you want a commitment it is usually the first indication that you are truly in love. 

My experience has taught me that love is a hodgepodge of emotions, feelings, actions, and thoughts that result in behaviors between people who want to be together.  Ideally, you care enough about the person to learn how to love them in the healthiest way possible for the two of you.  The goal is a happy, fulfilling life that is interesting, funny, and peaceful, with pockets of excitement along the way.  Realistically, most of us just wander through life hoping that love will find us and fantasizing about how wonderful it will be once we find the person of our dreams.  The idea that love is hard work makes it feel less romantic to me.  I don't want to believe that it takes so much effort to be with a person who says they love me.  Yet, painful experience has taught me that love is not easy.  Passion is easy.  Love takes time and comes with a price.

Once you find a person whose company you enjoy, who turns you on, and feels the same, the hard work begins.  That hard work is pushing past the sexual excitement and interesting activities to true intimacy.  Figuring out if you have common goals, spiritual beliefs and determining if your locus of reasoning (your personal culture) is a help or a hindrance.  If you believe women and men are equal and your partner believes the man should always make the decisions and have the final say, your interactions on important topics will be fractured and complicated because you don't value the same process for solving problems and making decisions.  If you believe in open relationships and she believes in monogamy the relationship will likely be burdened with trust issues.  Love is not about being exactly the same, but it is about compatibility.

I have a friend, let's call him Litchell.  He is a funny guy.  He can be gentle, thoughtful, amusing, charming or the biggest pain in the ass on the planet.  He is constantly on the look-out for a female that is "committed" to him.  But trust me his definition of commitment is not found on dictionary.com.  He wants her to abdicate her common sense, her logic and skepticism and commit to him and his offerings.  His true challenge is that he seeks intelligent, enlightened women of depth and quality.  Those women generally do not walk blindly into relationships and bind themselves to men of questionable circumstances.  For Litchell, his goal is to secure the relationship, not the person.  The challenge is that he is not looking for commitment because he is in love, or in a position to offer love.  He seeks commitment because it is the price of admission into his dating lifestyle.  The need for this level of obligation is an indication of the pain he has suffered in past relationships, romantic and familial. 

Another friend, let's call her Samantha, wants the passion and the companionship but not the commitment.  The commitment scares her and makes her feel smothered so she flits from relationship to relationship like a pretty butterfly looking for nectar.  What she is missing is the depth of relationship and interactions that differentiate relationships from hook-ups.  Her fear of being hurt and hurting others stiffles her ability to open herself up to the real possibility of true love.  

Nothing screws you up more in a relationship than other relationships. Past, present and future, the relationships you have had, are in and aspire to have clutter your mind and create confusion that can prevent you from getting the love most of us want in our lives. Old, failed, love affairs can impact our confidence, causing us to alienate people who want a future with us. Existing friendships and familial obligations can compete with the quality time necessary to create new, strong, healthy relationships. Our desire for perfection in our future love lives can prevent us from appreciating a person of quality today. 

Our ability to move from dating to committed relationship hinges on many things, including our own personal readiness for such a serious transition.  It is love not passion that paves the way for commitment and inspires people to embrace commitment as a privilege rather than a burden or solely an obligation.  When you acknowledge the genuine feelings of respect, desire, interest and compatibility you have for another person and seek intimacy rather than sex, you are truly falling in love and ready to move beyond mere involvement to commitment.  Your ability to give your partner the time they need to feel the same is an indication of the quality of the feelings you share and your maturity because real love does not have an expiration date, you should take your time.

 

That Sweet Feeling

I don't want to jinx myself or anything but guys and girls I met a man.  Not a boy, or a clown, but a fully grown, intelligent, sexy, funny as hell man.  They say it always happens when you least expect it, and it is so true.  While wandering around a book store in Washington DC, he just walked right up and started talking to me.

Like the Terminator, I was mentally, checking off all the qualities he seemed to possess, as he calmly made conversation.  Tall... check, sexy eyes, double check, husky voice, check, cocky smartass ding, ding, ding.  By the time I got to his Italian leather loafers and tan pleated linen slacks I was damn near convinced I was being "punked".  Things really started to take off when it became clear he had an Italian accent though by this time I did start scanning the bookshelves for a hidden camera. 

He asked me to go out for a coffee and even though it was a little scary, I thought about you guys and all the support you have given me, over the past few months, and decided to just go for it.  Conversation over coffee lasted 3 hours and it was a GREAT conversation, full of laughter and teasing.  Talking turned into a walk to the zoo and a dinner invitation.  I cannot believe how effortless it all was.  No electronic winks, or smiles, I did not need my girls to run reconnaissance for a speed-date exits, and no chatting or texting was involved.  Just two people who could not stop smiling, could not take their eyes off each other, and a conversation that spanned politics, religion and children.  All the taboo topics you are not supposed to bring up on a first date.

As I got ready for bed the evening we met, I coached myself not to worry if he never called, but to just be glad that we had met and experienced each other.  Even if we never saw each other again, at least I knew he was out there - a strong, funny, kind man who thought I was sweet an funny too.  I warned myself not to get my hopes up just in case, in reality, he had just been bored and had a couple hours to kill before picked up his wife... or maybe he was getting into character for a play and decided to pick up random women.  But when my computer chimed and I saw his IM, my heart beat faster... i felt the smile on my face, and nothing could dampen the delight that I felt when I read his words.  "Sweet dreams, until tomorrow."

Who knows where this will go, if anywhere, but for the moment I am going to luxuriate in the feeling... that intoxicating, rare feeling you get when you meet someone new and you click.  It's been a while, and it's been a tough summer so don't mind me if for a little while I smile for no reason, giggle on the phone and catch my breath when the phone rings.  I am wise enough to know this feeling is special and enjoy it just because I can. 

You're BALD!!

It's been a while, I know.  There has been some drama, relationships that failed, hopes crumbled, dreams dashed.  I have contemplated writing a book to teach men to lie better, cheat more effectively.  Not because I believe it is good to lie and cheat, but because I am disgusted with their limited capabilities in these areas.  The teacher in me wants to help them be better at it, especially when there is so much room for improvement.


Enter Litchell .  A man you have read about before, with a certain charm but not exactly Abraham Lincoln if you know what I mean.  In his mind, it seems that he finds his indiscretions and falsehoods to be quaint, cute little anomalies that women should overlook for the chance to get closer to him and his magic wand.  That he can look you in the eyes with straight and serious face, while demanding fidelity while rolling fresh from the scented sheet of some hoochie is hilarious and a bit sad.


Fortunately, I demand no such thing from the men I contemplate dating.  Observing the way they hide, deflect and excuse their poor behaviors is great insight into their character and lack thereof.  While dating Litchell it was always fun to watch him espouse the importance of commitment and its value in a "real" relationship, while getting caught in one lie after another.


So many times i dreamed about turning on him as he railed about the unfairness of how poorly he had been treated by a previous paramour and what a great catch he was by screaming, "Negro paaaleaze! I KNOW you are seeing other women.  Stop bullshitting me.  Do you know how I know?  Because your shampoo and conditioner is being used and YOU'RE BALD!"


What had become my own sad little inside joke was listening to him blather on about what an honest, true and good man he was and how he had suffered and learned so much from his previous relationships and would NEVER lie to another woman, all the while the shampoo and conditioner he kept in his shower evaporated like fuel in a Hummer driving at rush-hour in downtown D.C.


The only thing keeping me silent was the fact that other women might stand a chance of seeing him for what he is too as long as the shampoo kept going and going.  It was okay for me to take one for the team, so others might be saved.  If it was good enough for Jesus....

Things Change

If we are always growing, it stands to reason our relationships must adapt in response to our continual evolution.  Recently I went out with a friend and his girlfriend.  Now what made this outing a bit unique is the fact that this was a guy I dated.  Not too seriously, but enough to go out to dinner and go on some very fun dates and for me to learn how to make food from his native land of Pakistan, so I could cook him dinner once.  Things between us were... nice.  Not boring, but there was just no "there, there". 

Instead of losing each others numbers and pretending like we did not exist until we stumbled upon each other in this small town, we "decided" to be friends.  And not "just" friends, but true friends.  We made a conscious effort to keep in touch, not just those painful, conversations about what we are doing on any given day, but truly taking an interest in each others lives.  Every couple of weeks or so we would talk, laugh, grab a bite, or a drink. 

After a few months of being in the "friend" zone, it was ok to discuss who were were dating, and everything just grew from there.  This was an entirely new realm.  Can you recycle guys you wanted to date into friends you truly want to hang out with?  I mean sure you can, but should you is the real question.  The answer is a bit complex and depends on the two people involved, and the nature, complexity and depth of the relationship, but it can be done.  I recommend it, in the right situations.  First it enables you to continually evolve by expanding your circle of friends and it allows you to grow by seeing people outside of your original paradigms and learn about yourself and your dating persona. 

This weekend, me and my friend kicked it up a notch by actually going out with him and his "new" girlfriend.  As I prepared for our time together, it was important for me to make a good impression.  First, I am a naturally competitive person, and come on, there was a tiny bit of me that felt like - I want to look good.  Second, he means a lot to me and him trusting me to be with his new girlfriend, was important, I wanted to make a good impression and validate that he was right to trust me with someone who was precious to him.  The event was made more complicated by the fact that she and I would be alone together for the first couple hours before he could get off work and meet us, and the fact that I was deep in PMSland and not feeling my best what with the bloating, nausea, headache and all...

The good news is she was nice, a real sweetheart and pleasant to be around.  She was kind of in a weird place because I don't think he gave her sufficient information about our history, but even without it she was very sweet and friendly.  We had a good time and it was not awkward other than that normal social awkwardness that is present as people meet and get to know one another. 

So the point here is, every date does not have to be an interview for a boyfriend or husband, and every boyfriend does not have to be a husband.  Relationships should be used to explore how you can best interact with a person.  Sometimes you know right away, which category the person is in, Lover, or FWB (friend with bens), or The ONE.  Most times it takes a while to know exactly what role, if any, the person will play in your life.  By remaining openly observant, and treating people with affection, respect and kindness, any relationship can morph into something pleasantly unexpected. 

I take pride in remaining friends with past lovers, boyfriends, and knowing that there are enough mutual feelings and respect to want to remain in each others lives.  Things change, people evolve and the one constant should be the way you treat the people you care for, even when the nature of the relationship turns into something unexpected.

Are You Trying Too Hard?

Relationships are supposed to be about give and take, right? But if you are always giving and your lover is always taking... is it a healthy relationship? I used to think that love was what each person made it. Some people are givers and others are takers. If a giver meets a taker - perfecto! But that is just not a sign of compatibility as much as enabling poor behaviors.


First, it feels good to give, really good. When you make the time and effort to get something very special for the people in your life, who matter, the feelings of joy you feel inside when they first see it, hold it in their hands, ooh and ahh over it (no matter how big or small) means so much. The warmth inside of you as their eyes light up as they realize you "get them" you know them well enough and love them sufficiently to get them the “perfect” gift is a delicious feeling. No one should go without that feeling, and the more you truly care for someone the more you want to experience it. So if you are with someone who only takes from you and never gives (or rarely gives) they are missing that feeling of joy and generosity.

Also takers take. They are usually, users, who drain you and others because they are so filled with themselves they don’t understand what it takes to focus on others long enough to even know what they may want. When you deal with people like this long enough, you are usually left feeling inadequate and confused. As though everything you tried failed and you are left with this frustrated feeling inside. It’s because deep down you did not give for the right reasons and they did not take for the right reasons. You gave because you wanted them to see something - sometimes it's how much you love them, how much they mean to you or even that you can make them happy and fill up the empty places they have inside of themselves.

Trust me; people who use others and take all the time have lots and lots of empty feelings and spaces inside. They see you and all the others they take from as fillers, not real people with desires and hopes or love in their hearts to share and give. Rather they see you as just another alternative to the void of their own empty existence. They have problems and if they are self aware they will tell you all about them. Why they are as screwed up as they are. But trust me, many times that is just a tactic; a method that allows them to continue to use you up, while they move through people like locust consuming crops. These tactics are useful to the users in the world because it abates their own tiny consciences because they feel vindicated. First they told you they were ff’ed up so everything they do that is hurtful is on “you” from now on. Second, it’s not their fault, because they were damaged and no one should expect them to act differently.

Today's topic though is not about those people, who they are, why they behave the way they do, how to fix them... those ideas will not be explored in this post. In this post, I would like to explore why we (and I say we deliberately) try so hard to give to people who truly don't deserve it. Why we bang our head against the walls of men and women who clearly could care less and do not have the capacity to give or receive love. Love in and of itself is a gift. It enables you to share your time, your mind, spirit and heart with another person. It is more precious than material things and it should be cherished, nurtured, protected by those with whom we share it. When we just hand our love over to people who don't care or know what to do with it we waste it. And contrary to popular belief there is not a limitless supply of unrequited love to share. Eventually, even the most tenacious, generous, positive people become bitter and angry in the face of relentless one sided relationships.

You cannot make another person love you, or desire you, or even see you (notice you). I cannot tell you how invisible I feel sometimes when I am with a man, that I care for and all he sees is his past or other women who certainly will never care for him the way that I do. But that is my pathology, not his. That is me tricking myself into believing if I can just give more, love harder, be more available, generous, whatever, he will see, me. The sadness and loneliness that exists within me when I try to get his attention and hope against hope that maybe, finally he will notice I have been here all along, with all this love to share.

It's not his fault, but I end up trying too hard. I turn myself inside out, trying to make him happy, trying to make him love me, or even just to see me beyond what he can get out of me. Sadly, it never works. They move on, or I move on, and here I am left with the bitterness and loneliness of knowing, it is my fault for trying to love a person that was not loveable. I don't mean they do not deserve love, just that they don't deserve (my) love. That can be true for many of us. The reasons may vary, perhaps they are already in love with another, or they are too broken to express love in a healthy manner, or they simply don't love you, in return, and never will.

We have to stop wasting our love and efforts on the un-loveable and people who don't appreciate it. We have to recognize the value of our feelings and our capacity to give love and then find people who are ready for what we are offering and want to return it just as good as they get it. Giving love is incredible, but receiving love from someone you truly care for is awesome too. I believe it is possible to have a healthy relationship that includes intense passion, chemistry, friendship, and compatibility. But it takes time, patience and we must maintain our own self esteem and recognize we are valuable, worthy, people who deserve real love and true happiness. It is only possible to the extent we are willing to sacrifice what we want (the takers) for what we need, people who love us back, that we will find the healthiest love we can experience. I want healthy, joyful, passionate love. Don’t you think I deserve that? I believe you do, too!

Are You Ready For Love? Sharpening the saw

Throughout history, many have referred to the concept of sharpening the axe, saw, or sword.  Depending on how far back you are willing to go you can find a fable that correlates to this.  What is more important than who is responsible for the story, is the lesson within the story itself.  I have chosen to use references to an author, public speaker and motivator that I have tremendous respect for, Stephen R. Covey.

Stephen R. Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People®, refers to this in a manner that is very consistent with the lesson here. 

"Suppose you came upon someone in the woods working to saw down a tree. They are exhausted from working for hours. You suggest they take a break to sharpen the saw. They might reply, " I didn't have time to sharpen the saw, I'm busy sawing!"


Habit 7 is taking the time to sharpen the saw. By renewing the four dimensions of your nature - physical, spiritual, mental and social/emotional, you can work more quickly and effortlessly. To do this, we must be proactive. This is a Quadrant II (important, not urgent) activity that must be acted on. It's at the center of our Circle of Influence, so we must do it for ourselves. "

When you decide that you are ready for a new relationship don't minimize the importance of getting ready, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.  This is particularly important when your previous relationship(s) was/were challenging, painful, and you were left feeling as though you were battered and bruised.  But also when you were the person causing pain to people who tried to share love and affection with you.  Regardless, the elements of renewal include self-awareness, your ability to be pro-active versus re-active and being humble enough to understand where to go for help and guidance.

There are few things more important than your ability to regenerate yourself from the effects of the daily stress of life, to the more complex and significant issues caused by milestones, good and bad.  Your inner  power comes from your resilience.  Resilience is without a doubt, one of my favorite words, it suggests that within each of us is the power to return to our original form, after we have been stretched and pulled by outside forces.  My only wish, is that it could also mean, that you were not merely as you were originally, but that you were new and improved because you are now wiser and more experienced.  Either way, the key is we must understand how important it is to take stock, heal, and prepare ourselves for the next steps.

When we sharpen our axe, or saw, we are preparing to chop down the trees in our forest.  And the sharper our tool, the more effective we will be with the least amount of effort.  As we move forward let's agree to work smarter, and really, who doesn't want the next relationship to be easier than the last.  I do.  I look forward to experiencing the thrill of new love without the fear, frustration and dissapointments of past love.  I am sharpening every tool I possess for just that reason. 

Perception is Reality: Do you know how you are perceived?

Self Awareness - Are you capable of looking at yourself with a constructive and critical eye? Few of us are born with proficiency in this area. In fact, it's difficult to look inside yourself at your own flaws and then continue to peer deeply enough to be objective and accurate. Also, what many people outside of ourselves may see as flaws, we may not consider a flaw at all.

A good tool to use when conducting a self-evaluation is to ask friends and family to share their opinions of you good, bad, and ugly. Give them permission to let it rip - then practice your "active listening". In other words, don't go into defense or offense mode. Just listen, bite your lips, sit on your hands, bite a bullet if you have to (I did.) but don't SAY anything just let them really open up about the you they see and experience.

I would encourage you to think about writing down what is said, because when people start saying things about us, to our faces, it is easy to be so emotional  that instead of being useful, you become anxious and mix messages, misunderstand the meaning of their feedback and loose the key focus of the conversation. When I did this excercise with those closest to me, I prepared them and tried to make them as comfortable as possible by laying down some ground rules.

I explained

• what I wanted from them - honest, objective, useful feedback about my personality, actions and behaviors
• why I wanted the feedback - so that it would help me continue to grow and evolve into a more healthy, loving, and loveable person.
• what I would be doing while they were sharing - I explained I would be writing down some of the things they shared because it would help me use their feedback and incorporate their opinions into my overall self-awareness plan. Did my hand shake sometimes while I was writing? You bet it did, I teared up a time or two as well. And not just at the bad things, but the good as well. It is extremely moving to learn why the people who mean the world to you love you back.
• that there would be no hard feelings - that no matter what they said, if they cared enough about me to make the time and to be honest, I would be grateful and appreciative.
• that there were limits -
• this was not intended to give them license to critique me on every single move I made going forward, but to help me prepare for a process I was undertaking at this point in time.  
• And that if they ever wanted me to return the favor, I would be happy to, just not immediately afterward, when I might be feeling a bit raw (and retaliatory),  but anytime after 30 days had passed and I could be objective and provide the same level of care and thoughtfullness they gave to me.

If you decide to undertake this perception review choose the people you include wisely, don't only select people who you know will say nice things, don't select all haters either.  Make sure to get a cross section from your life, including your family, friends, colleagues, church members, and associates.  I also went to a couple people that I did not have a tremendous amount of love for, an ex boyfriend, an old colleague from work who bumped heads with me a couple times. Overall the information was very, very, useful. I learned that it did not have to be taken and accepted as gospel, but when the feedback was broken down into a few useful themes that were consistent across the board, it was easy to see what perceptions my behaviors and actions were causing.

Try to avoid dismissing people's feedback because you believe it's just their opinion and you feel that it is not important.  Opinions matter and perception is the reality of the person and people perceiving it and when it is about you it matters, trust me.  Embrace this opportunity to truly learn new things about yourself.  Be open to understanding that this is a data point in your self awareness assessment and it can be a fundemental part of change and self-improvement.