DO YOURSELF A FAVOR

One of the most important lessons, I believe, you learn when you have been hurt and betrayed, is forgiveness.  It may seem overly simplistic, but many times the real message is the simplest one.  We - men and women, create complexity to hide the fact that we want to do - what we want to do.  When my head is clear, and my mind is not cluttered by infatuation, romance, anger, boredom, loneliness and pain, it is easier to remember that life's struggles can be organized into categories which help you identify their origin. The categories, in simplest terms, are good vs evil and order vs chaos you could even add light vs dark. Though the struggles can be very complex and sometimes painful, as you look at your life and the choices you make ask yourself, are these feelings of God?  At my core, in my soul do I feel good about what is happening and is the path clear?  

Conversely, when I am actively engaged in living my life, it is important to ask yourself, "am i indulging in or excusing behavior (in myself or others) that is not good?  am i indulging in or excusing activities (in myself or others) that create chaos?"  Evil and chaos are distractions, their purposes are to challenge you away from God's plan for you.  His plan may be complex, difficult, time-consuming and painful, but it will NEVER be evil, dark or chaotic.  In fact, many times it is beautiful, fun, exciting, thrilling and wonderful.  You don't have to make excuses for God's plan because it is intuitive.  

That means it should FEEL right, familiar, in ways that cannot be faked or beguiled - we are given free will but we are also given the ability to KNOW when we stand in God's light.  When you have to duck, hide and maneuver, argue, make excuses, lie, hide, convince, persuade to feel God's presence - When there is chaos, confusion, suffering, you are fooling yourself or being fooled.  So look out for those things in your future, and when you see them understand that you are moving away from your path.  If a person or persons are at the center of these feelings and actions you are actively being pulled from your path.

So how do you find your path and stay on it?  I'm not sure, maybe we can help each other with that one.  I believe the more you are at peace, meditate, open yourself, question your motives and get to the core of who you are - without harming or limiting others the closer you are to the answer.  When you find yourself wandering off the path, fight like a tiger to get back on it.  Partner with a true friend (don't forget God is always a willing and true friend), who you know has a pure heart and an open mind; work together for each other.  Remind each other that you need them to fight temptation and bad habits to find the true light and get back on your road to spiritual fulfillment.  The problem with distractions is that they usually hide a mess, that you made.  They are people and activities you allow into your life that prevent you from what you are supposed to be focusing on to grow.

Your willingness to turn a blind eye, and place these distractions above your course is a symptom of your issue not others.  Many times we run from our own fulfillment, our destiny because we don't feel deserving, we have to fight these feelings of insecurity and improve our self esteem.  We have to stop trying to fix others, our lovers, husbands, children, siblings, and friends.  When you are hurt and betrayed by another person again and again it is because you refuse to acknowledge your own limitations, not theirs.  You cannot fix people.  You can help those who truly want to be helped, appropriately, but you cannot fix them.  It is counter productive to be angry or demonize them or blame them for the years YOU chose to spend trying to solve problems too immense for you in the first place.    

When someone harms you - when YOU allow someone to harm you, you must forgive them and you must forgive yourself.  Because until you do so, the source of your pain, anger and frustrations will DISTRACT you from your purpose.   All of those negative feelings and emotions pull you away from the inner-peace, love and wisdom you need to follow your path.  You cannot maintain an open heart and mind, when you are focused on anger, confusion, desperation and pain.  

To help yourself grow, learn and become more self aware you must let go of the people who create those emotions.  As you do, you let the feelings associated with the betrayal and pain go too.  It seems hard, but it is much, much easier than you would imagine.  The reason it is easy is because when you release the feelings and forgive the person you release them into God's hands.  The truth is there is nothing YOU can do for a person who has so little self respect and integrity they would so egregiously harm a person who only wanted to love and cherish them.  That person is a tortured soul who requires the direct, powerful, imminent intervention of God's love.  All you can do is forgive them and pray they find the ability to accept God's grace.  But you are not omnipotent nor do you have the power, ability or wisdom to do what God's plan has not yet seen fit to do - intervene.  In truth your absence from their life may be a part of God's plan for them.  There is but one thing for you to do, stay in your lane.  YOU need to be humble, and YOU need to understand that any intervention you make is misplaced arrogance.  Arrogance because you knowingly and willingly move away from your path to solve problems that you are not equipped to fix.  

The distractions of FIXING people beyond your realm only serves to remove your focus.  Your focus must remain on the thoughts, prayers, activities, actions and behaviors you are truly meant to have in this life.  And your focus on others, with such serious, self inflicted problems, prevents you from being there to assist those meant for you who walk your path with you.  They are your family, children, true friends and your true soul mate.  Honor God by honoring yourself - allow yourself to forgive completely and remove yourself from those preoccupations because until you do so your focus is not of God, and not for God, it is for yourself and your pride and ego.  

So I say - Forgive, but most importantly remove yourself and those you care about from the person who has proven they are not worthy of you, NOT a part of your path, other than to illuminate your pattern of attraction for distractions.  Learn the LESSON - don't stray from your path to satisfy your pride and ego.  Find the goodness, peace and order that will move you to the next level.  I truly believe we can all find spiritual growth, but first we must work on ourselves, personally, professionally, intellectually.  When you see an aberration for what it is and stop reacting to your life and reacting to the the lives and actions of others you begin to  understand your path, where you are meant to go - God will help you discern how to get there.  Remember reacting always put you at a disadvantage because you are constantly on the defensive.  You are living your life based on another person's actions, plans and goals, not your own.

You have such incredible potential, but when you limit your opportunities with distractions, you stay busy rather than focused.  A person who is self aware is one who knows where they are going, understands their limitations are merely opportunities to grow and has a vision and a tactical plan to achieve his or her goals.  A person with a strong, realistic, vision for his or her life has the equipment to fight and reject distractions, they fight with their sense of purpose and resolve, with the surety that they on walking on the one path in this universe meant for them.  It may intersect with others but it is theirs alone.  That road is clear of diversions, and a pure heart and open mind are what is needed to stay true to the course  When someone harms you - no matter how deliberate, how painful how egregious,   See it for what it is - an opportunity to illuminate YOUR flaw, a chance to regain your footing, a bright light shining on your mistakes so you cannot overlook them and hopefully not repeat them.  

This was NEVER about them, they were merely a vehicle used to help you see what you need to overcome to grow.  Pray for them, place them and their problems into God's hands, forgive them and remove them from your life so you may live as God intended you live.

DEDICATION:  Chocolate

Massage Head

sometimes,
the world can be a
frustrating and scary place.
everywhere you turn
it seems like there is something
or someone
ready to pounce,
some situation that
is ready to jump off
causing drama
or
just the stress 
of being with those you love.

so when you find someone
who makes you feel safe,
secure,
calm and relaxed,
a smiling, friendly face that is genuine
with a caring heart so
authentic
combined with the consummate professionalism
of a true artisan
it makes you want to
woo hoo hoo
you know you have arrived
into the calm, zen-zone
of the magic man.

whether you call him
chocolate drop, chocolate thunder
baby boy, or just ronnie
he has this gift
that is way beyond his
large, warm, strong fingers.
his talents lie in the
intuitive soulfulness
that enables him
to understand exactly what you need
when and how you need it.

it may seem simple,
and many massage therapist
may feel like they offer the same techniques
and possess similar skills
but i tell you
it ain't so.

unless and until you have experienced
"massage-head"
a feeling of sublime calmness;
when you are almost
disoriented, your legs shaky
your vision slightly blurred
an overall feeling
that is trancendental in its
spiritualness.

the tao of all chi
and the chi of all tao -
that is where chocolate thunder's hands
take you
and where you
gladly surrender yourself to
as you lie on his table
writhing in the
esquisite torture of the "bows"
as he goes deeper and deeper
pushing into places you had
no idea existed
within your own body
and
pulling out what ails you.

or whether you lay happily and
peacefully, at home,
as his ample hands
slide along the crevices
of your oiled, naked skin
healing you,
making you feel whole
when you felt shattered,
and ready to face the
world,
ready to believe
in the fairie tale
again.

Bend With The Wind

One of the most significant gifts from the universe in 2009 and 2010 was the general awareness, appreciation for and adoption of a new philosophy.  People often talk about their loss of faith, or inability to follow a specific religion or faith.  I myself struggle with organized religion.  But that is only because it is easy to focus too heavily on a religions' inception, rather than it's role in today's world.  We all can benefit from a code of ethics or beliefs, a systematic framework that helps guide our moral compass. 

This is merely our spiritual culture, what we do when we don't know exactly what to do, what we teach our kids, and the basis upon which we judge our peers, friends and family members.  The belief that through discipline, awareness, focus and attentiveness, I have the power to change the role I play in this life.  It seems vain and delusional to believe I can or will change the world.  First, the world is already changing, with or without my participation.

My obligation is to be the change I want to see in the world, by living according to specific principles.  The past couple of years as life and "others" kicked my ass, to survive, I learned not only to understand, but embrace the desire to "bend with the wind".  This approach is  basically, a hybrid of Christianity, Taoism and tai-chi philosophies, which simply means don't fight against life, trust in the universe's purpose for each of us and go with the momentum of your life. That does not mean, abdicate your responsibility and account abilities - it means, stop being petty and focusing on the things that you cannot change, or you did not receive, or have not yet accomplished.  Enjoy something important about each day, remember the many blessings we each have been given, and when you have done everything within your power to help yourself, pray for guidance and strength to endure what is ahead.

I was constantly reminding myself of a quote I had heard, "If you're going to pray don't worry, if you're going to worry, don't bother praying" Thank you mama-Liz.  It helps me remember that I see the frame of my life and believe it is about choices, focus, resolve and resilience.  But inside that frame, it was important for me to have a position not so much about what I need to do, but the way I wanted to get those things done.  In the words of Barbara Walters, "What type of tree will I be?".

Enter Taoism - the Three Jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility,  For those of you interested in a more detailed understanding, start here, then progress onto The Tao of Poo, a very readable book that will guarantee you do not take yourself too seriously.  If you are interested in developing an "intelligent" spirituality, pick up "The seven steps to think like Da Vinci every day" http://www.amazon.com/How-Think-Like-Leonardo-Vinci/dp/0440508274.

Tai-Chi Philosophy, or Taoism (also spelled Daoism; see below) refers to a variety of related philosophical and religious traditions that have influenced Eastern Asia for more than two millennia. They also notably influenced the Western world, particularly since the 19th century. The word 道, Tao (or Dao, depending on the romanization scheme), roughly translates as "path" or "way". It carries more abstract, spiritual meanings in folk religion and Chinese philosophy.

Taoist propriety and ethics emphasize the Three Jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility, while Taoist thought generally focuses on nature, the relationship between humanity and the cosmos (天人相应); health and longevity; and Wu Wei (action through inaction). Harmony with the Universe, or the source thereof (Tao), is the intended result of many Taoist rules and practices.

The roots for my christian influences are basically, the seven deadly sins and corresponding heavenly virtues.

The Seven Deadly Sins, also known as the Capital Vices or Cardinal Sins, is a classification of objectionable vices that has been used since early Christian times to educate and instruct followers concerning fallen humanity's tendency to sin. The currently recognized version of the list is usually given as anger, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony.


In Catholic catechism, the seven virtues refer to one of two lists of virtues, most commonly referring to the 4 cardinal virtues of prudence, justice, restraint or temperance, and courage or fortitude, and the 3 theological virtues of faith, hope, and love or charity; these were adopted by the Church Fathers.

An alternative list, the seven heavenly virtues, is opposed to the seven deadly sins, and consists of chastity, temperance, charity, diligence, patience, kindness, and humility.

APPRECIATION AND SHOUT-OUTS

So I receive quite a few emails from women who want to know how I keep my humor, what helps me stay so upbeat.  First, I believe while you cannot always control WHAT happens to you, you can always control HOW you react, your attitude.  I get sad and depressed like anyone, but I try not to let it consume me.  First, I am too busy to be depressed for long, but I did suffer some very scary symptoms last year.  And when it seemed like the anxiety was simply too great, and I actually had a couple of panic attacks, I figured out a couple tricks to help me get by. The biggest secret to being able to stop worrying about your own situation, is to go out and help others. Volunteering at domestic violence shelters, watching my friends kids, so they could get a couple of hours of peace and quiet during the weeks I did not have my children, and donating boxes and boxes of clothes, dishes, furniture to charity as I prepared to downsize for whatever future living arrangement was coming my way. These were all beautiful distractions that never failed to humble me and remind me that there but for the grace of God... Oh yeah, and don't mistake God's grace, a lot of us want to believe "the answer" is more than it really is, make things more complicated, or more mysterious.  Sometimes the grace in our lives, the thing that enables us to survive when others falter, is our humor, our ability not to tolerate bullsh@#, or just maybe, it's that kick-ass support system we take for granted.  And just in case some of you are still being obtuse, that support system, could be your sister(s) who get on your nerves but never let you kid yourself into believing bs, or your mother who wants you to live up to your potential, or that annoying lady at work who wants you to fill out your college applications and get your life moving FORWARD. you know who you are...

So let me give props to my mom, the most important woman in the universe to me, she is my sun, my sky and my moon. My daughters who remain the beautiful stars that light up my world. My friends, who indulge me and my drive-by cell phone conversations (since the only quality quiet time I have is in my car) Claudette - my touchstone, CK, Kristen, Tahir, Curtis, Stacey, JW, Uncle Dwight, Joe - you all know who you are - thank you for helping me talk through the craziness that almost swallowed me whole this year, and keep me laughing through the tears. My friends at work, "old school crew" Misha, Gerald, Brandie, Linda, Beth,George, Stephen, Mr. P, Karen, "the newbies" LL, Shannon, Mike, Joann Taty, Ronnie aka chocolate thunder and now, thanks to Shannon, Wanda, lol. Most especially to Loren, who always knows how to read me no matter how bright of a smile I paste on my face, whose gentle heart is battered and bruised, yet always big enough to help and love her friends.  To those of you at the house of Ruth, who kept me smiling and sometimes laughing, who help me stand strong, when I did not think I could fight for myself. People who have shared so much when we had so little and teach that generosity of spirit is the key to a long, interesting, life.

Can A Girl Get By With a Mustard Seed in 2011?

Last year was an interesting mixture of the hilarious, terrifying and the sublime. Everytime it seemed as though the gas was out of "The Little Engine" that is my life, just like Tillie, the little engine that could, some how, some way things would work out. At the end of of 2009, I had lost one of my closest friends, I was legally separated and my divorce was kicking into high-gear, my kids were being pulled between two households, one of my dogs had to be put to sleep, my mom was recovering from breast cancer and I was diagnosed a stress related medical conditions.  I was living a bad country-western song.  I was looking for relief at the beginning of last year, hopeful, my "luck" would turn.


During 2010, in between everything else that was going on, I was always working at least two jobs, sometimes three and trying to be a pretty decent, new, single mom.  As this was going on, for some reason it seemed very important not to let my mom know how horribly bad things were, after all she was just getting her health back.  I felt terrible talking about this to my friends because it seemed like there was always some damn crisis in my life, so i just joked about stuff, and tried to evade them whenever possible for fear they would invite me somewhere that I could not even afford to buy gas to drive to let alone pay for when we arrived.


All the while the secrecy was such a burden, especially for a motor-mouth like me.  Trying not to let my family and close friends know how bad things were really getting was creating a chasm between me and my loved ones.  And without an outlet to relieve my pressure, my emotions were running high.  It seemed like the morning was my most vulnerable time, I was wide awake, my brain was skimming ideas, problems, solutions, contengencies and choreagraphing each play like Terry Bradshaw.  To say, I cried on Mr. Pierre's broad shoulders a couple times, would not be an understatement.  But ever stoic, he withstood the tide of my early morning tears, and pushed me back into "the game" with words of wisdom.

During the first 8 months of the year, in my spare time I was looking for a new place to live because my house was probably going into foreclosure, my twins had to leave the school they only school they had known since they were one year old, my oldest was away in college struggling and I was still trying to have some sort of tiny social life to keep from sucking on my car exhaust.  I can laugh about it now, but trust me, there were many nights when I would be thinking about my little Corgi, Maggie-Mae, or my little beta fish Sampson who bit it and think that lucky bastard... he got out.


I can tell you the situation looked pretty bleak.  There are no words to describe the terror you have when you can actually see the walls of your life start closing in on you, especially when you "feel" alone yet are in fact, accountable for the lives of three other human beings and a dog.  But there were a couple of things that stood between me and disaster.  First there was my mom then my uncle Dwight. 

People assume they are push-overs because they are the kindest most tender-hearted people you will ever meet.  What I have learned about them is they truly are an example of a titanium fist in a velvet glove.  No one has taught me more about tenacity, loyalty, love and supporting the people you love more than those two people- and it has all be by example.  My girlfriends were also always there holding me up too, even when they did not always know why or what was going on.  Each day a phone call or a card in the mail, a lunch, a glass of wine, just a sister-to-sister moment, to make me smile and keep me strong.


I wondered so much about what was going to happen.  Something as insignificant as printing the date on a check, or writing a report, or helping the girls with a homework assignment, would send my mind running in a hundred different directions.  What would happen to the girls if we lost our home, what about my mom, what about my other dog, Milo?  He was on the maximum dosage of Doggie Prozac and still had already licked himself bald-bodied, over the passing of Maggie-Mae.  God knows he could not take one more problem without stamping his paw on a newspaper and throwing his body over the deck with a carefully worded - "screw you all".


Do you want to know what happens when your mind gets so filled with fear and anxiety you cannot think straight, literally?  Well I don't know.  But I do know what happened to me.  I developed a new philosophy, well new to me.  I call it the Tao of life - "Bend with the wind".  This approach, actually a hybrid, of tai-chi, christianity, taoism which mostly is to focus on the problems of others, deal with what you can control, and stop fighting against and running away from life's lessons. 


When I began to understand that in every terror-filled moment, there was an opportunity to improve myself or help someone else, each breath became easier to take, each step forward felt a little lighter.  The road I was travelling was not as dark or as cold, because when you focus your efforts outward the universe sends in reinforcements...  Those people I had helped, started helping me.  Some do not even know they did help me or how much their efforts comforted me, or re-fueled me so I could keep going. 

Though it is already March, this is my first real blog-post, "why men lie" was written for Litchell, as an h'omage to the lessons he taught me and re-taught me then taught me one more time in 2010 (I can be hard-headed when the sex is good).  Hopefully, he is a part of my romantic past, because there are a host of new characters already assembling for 2011.  In the spirit of excercising the lessons of the Tao, I am trying to remain focused on the  Three Jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. 

With that in mind, my ex is making a special appearance, and hopefully, we have and can continue to live in some form of harmony.  We were able to keep our home, Milo's hair has started to grow back.  Now with Matt living here it seems like the good, the bad, and the ugly have re-assembled as well.  My biggest epiphany for 2010 was that the struggle is not separate from life, but it is life itself.  That push and pull (yin and yang) makes it interesting, fun, exciting, terrifying and intoxicating.  I don't regret one moment of 2010, but if anyone is listening and there is an opportunity to offer a moment of silence in gratitude, allow me to ever so humbly say thank you.  Thank you for my loving friends (Ms. Needles - special shout-out to you) my family, my exes... my daughters, (the hoochies and cori, my angel and the gentle sweet soul that is always in my heart, even when she is so far away), and my faith, which is as strong today as it has ever been.  That faith in myself, given to me by strong, beautiful, intelligent people who raised me, allows me to always appreciate my blessings in this life to retain my integrity, maintain my sense of humor, and remember everyone deserves the opportunity to be redeemed.  Bless you all.