Y O U R A P P E A L
you were the first man i truly, trusted
i believed in you, your goodness
your sense of fairness
your gentleness
the way you support the people you love
the way you took care of your family,
your incredible generosity toward me.
perhaps it was because
our first interactions were not blurred
by the hazy gauze of infatuation.
i never confused my feelings for you
when we met.
first there was disdain, curiosity, appreciation
trepidation and then finally, affection.
there was never the mind numbing passion that blinds you
to a person's faults.
so i was utterly convinced, i knew you; what you were capable of.
i thought,
you were damaged, but not broken
misguided; but not lost
and you seemed to be this immovable rock
that shielded your little family
from the elements
and always had an internal compass
that was my north star.
my good fortune
came with you.
i don't know whether it was merely luck
or if your calm, quiet strength
finally gave me the stability i needed to shine
but we were an incredible team.
yet, it did not seem as though romantic love
was in the cards for us.
i had experienced a whisper of it, personally
and bore witness to it in my parents daily interactions
and honestly, the pain, drama and intensity of it
scared me shitless.
so while i knew what we had
was no where close to that type of love
i was relieved and content, and assumed you were too.
whenever there was a opportunity
to nurture love
romantic love
it seemed to me, you squashed it.
whether deliberately or not - you made it impossible for me to love you.
early on there were moments when we would go to bed together
and you would open your arms
and i would slide inside and feel so incredibly safe, loved and protected.
then just as a little love seedling took root
your lies, deceit, inability to accept
responsibility for your misdeeds
left me incapable of opening myself to you
in a manner necessary to give or receive
romantic love - at least the kind i want
while i know you believe you love me,
i don't believe you have the capacity to truly
know and understand me.
not that i am complicated -
just that you seem determined to see me as you choose
rather than how i am.
and no matter how much you want to
you cannot love what you cannot understand.
and you should not.
T H R O W I N G S T O N E S
it was this lack of understanding,
which caused you to act out rather than simply talk to me.
your sophomoric desires to feel like a playa aside,
i was never really threatened by your cheating.
i hated the lying because it made having conversations with you
seem like a waste of time
yet, i saw your ridiculousness
as amusing - never devastating
the women were like gnats flying around my face
annoying but hardly a threat
at least not a threat to the thing about us
that i cherished the most
our friendship, our family, our little team
i distracted myself with the girls
my work
my other friends.
though, i was offended that your shenanigans were so obvious.
it is likely that my lack of possessiveness
was due to the lack of romantic love i felt toward you,
or simply the manner, in which, i was raised,
that bohemian childhood
filled with artists, musicians, poets
constantly vacillating between extremes in emotion, passion and disdain
could have prevented me from
seeing infidelity as the fracturing event
many women feel it to be.
however, what was shattering
was your inability to keep these
interactions from my life with you, our family, our team.
that left me frustrated, angry and disgusted.
no friend would do that to another - it was disrespectful.
also, you just seemed so incompetent,
and given the amount of practice you had,
that was disappointing
and ultimately caused such disillusionment
i could no longer see you as a man, and certainly not my man.
i could trust you to have my back.
it was that utter failure to protect
your family from your bullshit
that created such toxicity no romantic love could
grow or blossom.
our lives together seemed to simply
go on,
without a true purpose,
as we fretted over
the girls, my mom, your mom.
the distractions were real and significant -
we were in trouble
and in retrospect it began years before either of us realized it.
our baby moving to florida,
your mom's cancer, her death.
my mom's heart disease
my mom's cancer
job changes: reorganizations, promotions, constant traveling
the exhaustion created by managing and coaching our little team
created an avalanche of diversions.
A W A T E R S H E D M O M E N T
but suddenly, finally, in one instant, during a conversation
with a random, anonymous person on an airplane
everything i subconsciously and intuitively knew
became glaringly apparent.
we were not well suited in marriage.
i did not and do not blame you solely,
i saw my part -
my need to feel safe
surpassed my desire to feel loved, when we met.
i can see now,
that for you, my love was something ever on the horizon
to aspire to,
rather than something,
i gave freely
something you could depend on from day one,
as solely belonging to you
and only you.
my inability to love and cherish you as a husband
created a fertile ground for your resentments and frustration,
and i know i hurt you.
never on purpose;
but because i hoped my friendship would be more valuable to you
as your friendship was much more valuable to me than your love.
i can see now how this misguided hypothesis caused so many problems for us.
how could you know i was terrified
of passionate love
that i had born witness to horrific disastrous events
in the name of passion and romantic love.
i had seen others dole out and destroy each other over romance and passion
throughout my childhood.
as you became more blatant in your escapades,
i became less tolerant
and eventually,
i ceased to see you as a man,
a partner,
a valuable person
a true friend.
my dismissal of your needs and concerns,
my need to focus on work
rather than us
my ego taking precedent over your resentments
and your desperate need for acknowledgement
sabotaged us
at a time when we needed to be strong together.
you were in trouble,
i was in trouble and
our team was in trouble.
C O N F R O N T A T I O N S A N D F I N G E R P O I N T I N G
and as i saw my future with you
without the possibility for deeper love
i tried to talk with you about it.
but your emotionally driven tirades, frightened me, paralyzed me
so i became silent and hostile.
i observed you with cool disdain
and waited for you come to the conclusion i had arrived at some time ago;
we were not well suited.
i assumed your infidelities were a testimony to your unconscious belief in that truth
it seemed impossible anyone could be so ineffectual
and still want to maintain his marriage,
in my forced silent hostility,
i saw you as incompetent and pathetic
and in my inability to respect your effectiveness
your adequacy in sustaining a marital relationship
i lost my any and all of my attraction for you and
began to look for the qualities i desired in others.
not specific people, and not directly
merely observations that helped me puzzle together my perfect mate.
i did not seek to be with others
it was just that i could begin to clearly see unique, important qualities i required
which had been hidden or camouflaged by my fear of actually allowing myself to fall in love.
i had always felt superior to mere mortals, falling in love, looking for soul-mates
but now my soul cried out for more, for someone.
for the first time in my life - i craved passionate love
more than the stability you offered.
at first those qualities were vague
but a buried memory of a childhood fable, created by my dad and i,
crystallized them; and herman was born.
my feelings of righteousness
allowed me to believe that you should
finally be made to tolerate my search for happiness
quietly, and without jealousy.
i never considered you loved me
especially since i was feeling less and less like you knew me,
or even liked me.
F A K E I T T I L L Y O U M A K E I T
it honestly never occurred to me
that even the dissolution of our marriage
would result in the end of our friendship.
i was frustrated, pissed off, yet still i could understand
why you would cheat and lie.
i could empathize with the origins of your resentments
you may recall my naive efforts
to move us from marriage to friendship
the counselling - the shared living discussions -
the national family resilience center
the collaborative divorce and mediation requests
you see, i still believed in you
your potential for goodness, for fairness
naively, i gave you my holy trinity of trust
that thus far i had only extended to my
beloved childhood friends -
absolute loyalty, absolute faith in your goodness, and the benefit of the doubt about anything.
F R I E N D S; T H E O N L Y T H I N G Y O U G E T T O C H O O S E
for me friendship is something i value more than love and sex
for me love is frightening
romance is complicated
sex is functional
family is never what it seems
but friendship is everything.
friendship is the one thing
i always got to choose,
in my life, the only thing, really.
at first i was too cautious, too selective
and my friends bored me...
so as an only child, i spent most of my earliest childhood years alone,
reading or creating my own little reality.
O P I N I O N S F O R M E D E A R L Y; L A S T A L I F E T I M E
then i met wendy,
she was four years old, born with a hole in her heart,
she had a wicked sense of humor and a perspective on life
that was quirky, scary and funny.
she was one of my first real friends.
everything about her, compelled me to know her more.
the day we met, i almost drowned.
my father was getting high with a friend, and left me by the pool
i fell into the water and had to be cpr'd back to life: true story.
my dad and his friend (wendy's father) swore us to secrecy
and so we had all the things that make a relationship powerful
an emotional start - a shared secret - lots of those, actually
and we never knew each other long enough to let petty grievances
cloud our adoration for each other.
she died, four months after we met,
i was already feeling pretty disenfranchised,
at five years old, i had already experienced blatant racism,
oppression, when i was kicked out of kindergarten.
it was during the months my father was supposed to be taking me to a new school
that i met wendy.
she was the daughter of one of my father's friends
her dad was this former black panther, who only dated white women,
my father met while attending howard university,
to me he was just the crazy smelly guy who sold my dad drugs.
since they shared drugs, alcohol and models
they were always together.
at that time, my mom was working full time,
my dad was trying to be a poet/photographer
but mostly he was my caregiver...
so, wendy and i spent a considerable amount of time together
at doctors offices, hospitals, in her room.
her mom, took off when she found out about her health problems
so her father was all she had.
wendy and i bonded,
she became my little world, and i wanted to help her
but i did not understand how or what i could do.
mostly, we would talk, read, or sometimes
just hold hands.
in that short time, i learned i could trust her with my deepest, darkest secrets
and i had a lot, even at five.
she was the first person i told about my invisible friend
she was the only person i told about a lot of things
and she made me feel like a good person, when i had always felt
so crappy before.
she gave me the nickname mouse.
i loved her as much as i ever loved anyone,
she was my first real friend.
she taught me that friends are the thing -
not your family - not adults - or adult relationships
but your friends are the people you select to be in your life, your choice.
i guess the good news was that there was no long, sad, deathbed scene
it never occurred to me that wendy might or even could die.
i realized she was sick, but her dying was not really something i considered.
i knew she would get down sometimes so i learned to be funny.
i read p.g. wodehouse and watched monty python
so my humor was urbane to say the least.
but she loved it, so
i learned to make people laugh
especially when i was terrified, sad or embarrassed,
or something horrible had happened or was about to happen.
and she taught me to value friendship above
any other interaction.
F R I E N D S A R E T H E T H I N G
i realized
friends make you whole.
friends fill you up
when you, feel as though, have nothing in your soul
but pain and fear
a friend can come along
and help you find laughter
they can shine a light
on your darkest hour.
i learned that the quirkier they are
the more damaged, afraid, or isolated they seem
the more the person understands
how important a real friend can be
so they value the friendship -
and that makes the entire interaction worthwhile.
and when your friends are damaged,
you can let your freak flag fly high.
O U R S T O R Y
when we met there was no real physical attraction for me
part of that was due to the fact that i was seriously rebounding from a failed engagement,
you were the first man i did not love
when he entered my body.
and though it would be dishonest to say i fell in love with you,
i learned to love things about you, because we were friends.
i, first, valued you because you reminded of my dad -
damaged, intelligent, flawed and ineffectual but well intentioned.
like him i attributed many of your problems to early childhood events
that marred an otherwise beautiful soul.
you helped me feel something i never
fully comprehended
pride in my accomplishments, without fear of failure
safety and security at home
we gave our little team such a nice, strong start.
for a moment, i had big hopes about a real american-style future,
an american future was something i abhorred and craved my entire early life.
it seemed like every moment with you
was a journey upward
you were my lucky rock and we were
"movin on up" together;
a team.
finally i had my own little team
people i could cheer for, win with, who were in my corner
you seemed like someone who looked at me
and saw who i really was,
a man i could believe in.
and i did believe in you, your accomplishments.
i wanted to be such a good wife and mother for you.
i wanted to give you all of the love and affection you seemed to have missed.
i felt privileged to be your wife.
sharing my life with you seemed effortless, there was no drama, initially.
sharing my success was easy because it always seemed like our success.
every promotion seemed like something we achieved together because you made me stronger,
you helped me feel confident and allowed me to soar.
sharing my family and friends, because you had so few made me proud of our little team.
and eventually my love for you and missy ma'am was the greatest gift i had to give you.
and i gave it all to you; in abundance, without reservation.
when you lied to me,
cheated,
attempted to manipulate me,
abused my trust and my kindness
tried to steal my team
i forgave you.
not because i was in love with you
but because you were my friend.
and for me friendship is
everything, because it is the one thing
i always get to choose.
i have been forced to do many things
but never to make a friend, that is only for me to decide.
in my forgiveness i found understanding
i understood how hard it must have been
for you, loving a women - me
whom you did not seem to like.
a women who did not seem to need you or want you.
a women who was rarely physically present
and even less so emotionally, because of my own demons.
so i forgave your lies.
i forgave your cheating.
i tried to forgive you for breaking up our little team
even though it was the only one i ever had
and the one we created together.
i tried to find a new way for us to exist
in this world, as friends.
but you went too far
your lies became legion
your manipulations cruel, abusive and viscous
you showed me that you never
understood
love, family, teams, and friendship
that you were pretending
even if you didn't realize it yourself
even if you still don't.
you did something no friend of mine has ever done
you made me wish you were not here
in my life,
in our home,
on this earth.
i hated your every breath
not because of the lies and the cheating
but because you refused
to accept your part
your role
your blame.
you showed me that when you look into the abyss
instead of finding the soul of a man
i could be proud of
i could forgive
i could call my friend
you showed me the soul
of a traitorous, weak, selfish, violent, scurrilous, opprobrious
coward.
falling is not a crime;
we all fall down.
your crime is that
each time you could have and should have risen;
elevated yourself
you defiled our friendship
your depravity and inability to truly see
yourself, in those moments; accept your part
made you a sniveling, pathetic shell of a person
i could never, ever be in love with.
i fought like my demons to save myself, my family
and now what was left of our broken, little team.
even while my own weaknesses
swirled all around me
they teased and taunted me
they terrified me, paralyzed me.
i realized how much i counted on you - needed you to be a better man
in theory - my belief in who you are in this world
and in practicum - the reality of your actions and behaviors
toward the people who loved, believed and trusted you
more than any others in the world.
my demons threatened me, the same as you.
because i understood more than most what men are capable of
what they do when no one is watching - what they try to get away with
i tried to make smart decision, safe ones
yet you morphed into a stranger before my eyes
and it was clear i had no idea what YOU were capable of
you were the abyss -
you, who i had put all my faith, hope and trust in
you became my greatest enemy, assailant, adversary.
still, i tried to face the abyss,
alone
with courage and grace.
i tried to make him proud
make him see that i will always be
the only me
inside of me - that i can be
what he raised me to be -
happy - kind - good - fearless - astute - profound
that no one could change me - not even when the darkness came back
that even in the face of the ultimate depravity
i could pass the "when you look into the abyss test"
that in those infinite moments
of shame, terror and hopelessness
that YOU caused, invented, expanded
i would still see ME
my goals
my beliefs
my values
and i did
i faced it and i did not allow you and the darkness to make me a worse person
i did not allow the abyss to become an excuse for deplorable behavior,
though i did change,
in fact, sometimes i am barely recognizable.
when i emerged from the darkness a bit bruised, battered, but not broken
not lost at all.
instead i found the most important thing
my voice, my spirit, my sensuality
my power.
i learned lessons that were heretofore
conceptual at best, those cliches that lack value
until you live through them,
like
time heals all wounds
the fact is time is a great balm
its passive motion forward
moves you away from the acutely,
cumbersome burdens of anger, hatred and vengeful thoughts.
time can help you remember things
useful, nebulous concepts
that pain and emptiness make you forget.
as you allow yourself to be healed
to release the acrid, loathing
and let go of negativity
you find your own salvation
your own unique state of grace.
you remember who you are meant to be
in this world and the next
things that no one person in any one dimension
should be given the power to usurp and take away from you.
H A P P I N E S S I S A C H O I C E Y O U H A V E T O M A K E E V E R Y D A Y
and just like that... i began to feel free
my thoughts lighter, more expansive
my words, softer, kinder, more full of vision and ideals
and my deeds more about others
and less about myself.
i remember it is within each of us
to absolve, redeem and nurture
those who truly need it, and
the ability to do that makes the world a better place.
if the kingdom of heaven is at hand,
then our ability to forgive is one of the keys to heaven.
it is not just about the small, easy to forgive transgressions
but those things accurately described as untenable, unforgivable,
because those are transgressions would be most difficult, represent the most hurt
yet the most useful to absolve.
mercy, grace, and redemption create the healthiest foundation for a new start - a new day - a new life.
remember that quote from dr. martin luther king, jr. “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy"
forgiveness and courage must be applied to our most challenging opportunities to truly test us - so i forgave you - i forgive you.
new friends; new activities, new goals
helped me find fulfillment, even joy
and remember that life without mercy is calculated, empty and limiting.
learning from the past,
yet still moving forward, deliberately, intently, happily
helped me find an inner strength - my own unique, resolve
when i was forced to my knees
with grief, regret and the magnitude of your betrayal.
and it though it would be nice,
sadly, my growth did not come from
some altruistic capacity laying dormant within me.
it was driven by a very specific practical concern, our children.
teaching a child about the world:
what it is, how to live,
teaching children about life is a parents privilege and obligation.
it is a large reason, parenthood, must not be entered into lightly
because you must be prepared to teach and live
the life you want for your children, your family, friends
your team.
so even though your actions were vile and hateful
regardless of the fact that you failed to accept your role
your accountabilities, then and now
and in case you did not catch it the first time,
i forgave you
for all that you did.
again, not because i am a saint
but driven again by imminent, practical concerns
i forgave you because when i was desperate, and isolated, hopeless
you helped me.
you did not have to, but you did - and i am so grateful,
because not being able to forgive you was killing me inside, each day.
you helped us begin to heal -
your kindness, your compassion, given freely, unexpectedly
gave us the momentum, to try to become friends again.
you showed me that i was not a blind, stupid fool
who married, had children with and built a life with a man she never knew
you showed me remnants of the person
i first invited to be my friend.
and i was appreciative, and i started to trusted you, again, the summer of 2010.
yet, regardless of time, it seems our communication is still one of our largest hurdles.
i say something,
you hear something else
i mean something,
you infer something else.
in the end, i guess it boils down to the fact that
we all believe what we chose to believe, what suits us.
i believed you were once again, the person i hoped you were when we first met
not the aberration you became.
yet, even while i was deluding myself...
and explaining to you that your previous actions
erased any hope for a romantic relationship between us.
rather, that it was my sincere desire to begin again over,
as friends, if that was possible.
i came to you and you welcomed me
and i hoped, i truly hoped we could be
stronger people, better parents, because i wanted my friend back.
but the darkness within you is significant, and it is still there, hidden.
that opaqueness that clouds your judgment,
the blackness that spreads around you when you look into the abyss
is, apparently, never far from where you are
and maintains its power over who you are.
you confuse kindness with love
affection with passion,
and compassion and gratitude with romance.
you seek to manipulate rather than
simply enjoy special moments.
always looking for a way to gain favor
your actions still dark and depraved
focused on making sure you appear right and good
that you are perceived justifiable as you walk through life
with your eyes wide shut.
if it matters, you are a great father, when you choose to be
you have it within you to rebuild all that you sought to destroy.
but it must come from the goodness within your heart
not a desire to be SEEN as good.
because when it comes from within, external forces
will never change who you are, and we need you to be strong.
so while i have never written to you
or about you
other than as a cautionary tale
let me be clear -
marriage - to me is the ultimate team sport
it is a joining of spirits
forces, worlds.
it means as we walk through life,
i am not behind him
with my head down
or in front of him leading the way
but my mate and i are either side by side or back to back.
side by side, hands united is our demonstration
of unity, compatibility, evolution and love
as we move forward, together as one.
it means that when we face the world and the world is our opponent,
when the world gets scary
the back to back position is the safest because it is only necessary
for each of us to look forward -
because our mate is behind us watching and on alert for any harm
that may come to our little team.
the ultimate trust is to submit to him
something that i desperately long to do with my mate
because my submission
is my gift.
if there is a man on this earth that can help me to submit
myself to him, it is the one for which i was made -
the rib that was used to create me for this world
and while i can now clearly see you,
not a version of my father, or a frightened, lonely little boy
that needs affection and care,
but you alone,
standing on the edge of the precipice of depravity
a dark world, where you are hated, isolated and alone
where i once would have merely waited, calmly
to watch you fall
or kicked your ass over into the abyss
i now offer you my hand;
in friendship.
i offer you my help and support so that we can help each other.
but all i offer you is my hand.
not my heart,
not my soul,
not my submission.
if you see my hand as unworthy
do not take it
continue your way and trust
that as i walk toward the light
within my soul (that you attempted and continue to try to dim)
i will be alright, happy, complete,
and i will never again be paralyzed by you and what you are capable of
because i now know what i am capable of, and it is awesome.
if you could see my worth, my value to you
is not in a facade
but in the real friendship we could have
with each other.
and if you would
try to see my hand
as the only gift i possess that
i can freely give to you
my friendship - my choice
and accept it
we can rebuild a life
that may not look like you planned
but is more honest
grounded in reality
and one
with the potential for limitless happiness for our
little team.
a team that will hopefully always include you
and may expand to include others
but a team that is something we designed.
goodness, light, joy, and order are not nebulous
they are clear, distinct, specific variables
and therefore easy to distinguish from
the darkness.
there is and has always been something about you
that reminds me, sadly
of the worst of my father
it is what ultimately drew me to you
my mistake was in believing that by helping you
loving you, marrying you - i could save him.
today, i see you clearly for who and what you are
as clearly as i see myself.
all of your wonderful qualities and challenges too.
we are imperfect specimens
but you and i have seen the abyss,
created chaos, turmoil, darkness
for ourselves and others
i want to prove that we are worthy
of the gifts the universe has bestowed upon us, our children, our family, our home,
our friends.
i want to try to be friends.
i want to trust you because of who you are
not because i am confusing the metaphors of my youth
or a misguided attempt by my ID to re-establish itself
and solve the problems of my childhood.
i want to be friends because
the girls need a strong, complete, father
who is a good man, truly deeply good.
and i don't see you becoming one without me
just as i will never truly lose my demons
without finding a way to believe in you again.
so i cannot promise more
in fact, it is my belief that we are not compatible
in a romantic or sexual way
beyond technique and whatever history
has taught us about our preferences.
i also do not believe we are compatible
spiritually.
while i catch a glimmer of the security you once
helped me feel - that blanket of safety no other person
on this earth has ever given to me, but you.
there are many, many reasons i do not believe
we should ever live together as man and wife.
ultimately, they all fall under the heading of,
you do not inspire me, which merely means
you can not bring out the best in me.
i believe that is an important, necessary component of
romantic love -
that inspiration moves each of us to fulfill our destiny
i know this is not what you want to hear - or read
but it is the deepest truth
and in your heart you must know this too.
i need you - the girls need you
but we need to you be a man
not the man - just "a" man.
a good person who can see beyond his
fears and perceived injustices.
beyond his misguided efforts and manipulations
and a man incapable of being swayed by others
but one with a position about who he is
what he must do for his family
and what his vision is for his children's future.
a strong man
who has the power to destroy the demons
he created
and find his inner goodness, compassion
and love the way his team needs to be loved
if you can do this
if you can even genuinely try to do this
then i see such a bright, limitless future for our
little team.
i am so hopeful,
because i know what you are capable of
what you have the capacity to do
your strength, tenacity and resolve are
some of your most powerful qualities
use them to move yourself forward toward the inner light
that is aching to burn brightly within you.
and i promise, i will give you my hand, in friendship.
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