Mars and Venus and New Relationships

The beginning of a new relationship is a complex thing, almost like an organism that is born, and lives in its own tiny universe. The atmosphere must be rigorously nurturing and protective or it may not survive. When you are young, and all you have to focus on is classes, your parents, perhaps siblings and friends, a new relationship can easily take center stage. Like a first born child the care and feeding of it is matched by importance and priority of everything else going on in your life. The fact that relationships themselves are new to you adds to the mystique and your enthusiasm.


By the time you have several relationships under your belt the novelty wears thin, as your life becomes more diverse and you acquire the competing priorities of children, career, financial burdens and your own hobbies and interests, cultivating a new relationship can almost seem like an impossible dream. Similar to retiring at 35 or taking a trip around the world, or quitting your job and starting your own business a new relationship may seem like a great idea that is more of a fantasy and a dream than a goal you can actually achieve.

Men and women think about relationships differently. As your feelings evolve and deepen from merely dating to becoming committed to one another a shift takes place. It is a subtle one, and if you are not careful, you can miss it entirely. But this tipping point can mean the difference between moving toward a relationship or moving toward separation. If you have been involved with several people and cannot seem to move to the next phase perhaps that tipping point is where you fail to demonstrate sufficient awareness of what is needed or that you see what is needed but are not capable of delivering what your partner requires from the person they invite into there lives.

The presumption is that once you have moved beyond the initial phases of chemistry, attraction and dating; superficial interest in each other has been established. On a deeper level than what each unique individual needs to be physically attracted to their partner, men and women generally are motivated by different things when beginning and maintaining relationships. Men need to know that you believe in them and have faith in their ability to protect, nurture, care and provide for the women in their lives. They need to feel revered. Women must feel that the men in their lives cherish them, are interested in their thoughts, hopes and dreams and feel proud to be with them. The absence of these feelings creates a vacuum in a relationship making it easy for doubts, anxieties, frustrations and confusion to chip away at a new relationship before it has had a chance to take root. If the couple has communication challenges it's almost hopeless because the hurdles may seem more significant than the value of a new relationship that has not yet been tested and proven.

It is said that women enter into relationships anxious to change the man in their lives, to "fix" him so that he can finally be a perfect version of the prince charming about which they have always dreamed. Conversely, men find a woman they adore and desperately hope that she will never change anything about herself from their first initial dates. The reality is that both are destined to be disappointed.

I have a number of female friends who amaze me by dating a man for months sometimes years and constantly lament his bad habits, "I hate that he always puts his friends before me, or he takes all of his frustrations out on me and I hate it". Then they marry the same man and are angry, frustrated and shocked to find he continues to do the very same things he did throughout the dating relationship. As though there is some unspoken expectation that moving a relationship forward automatically changes a person exactly the way you wanted them to change.

When a man ceases to feel appreciated and revered, he will seek that satisfaction elsewhere, because the need for it is great in the male psyche. If you meet a man and he drinks, lies, cheats, or smokes... don't assume your love is going to change that. Find a man that you can love and adore exactly as he is whether he changes or not. If he has bad habits and finds a way to improve himself, that should be done for his own personal betterment, not for you or your relationship.

By the same token, I have male friends that don't understand there is not a woman alive who can live up to the expectations a man develops during the first several months of dating. The grooming, the sexual excitement and experiences, the doe eyed adoration a woman has for a man in a new relationship begins to wane, in the face of washing his dirty clothes, cooking, shopping, going to work, having children. Women have to believe they can mature and still be attractive to the men in their lives or they will find new men who make them feel attractive.

The goal of the new relationship is to use the dating period to explore each persons desires, hopes, behaviors, habits and determine if there is compatibility. Compatibility means you fit, in spite of everything that is happening, and may happen to the best of your abilities to forecast your future. If you can only see yourself with that person if they quit smoking, or stop hanging out with their best friends from childhood, or if she never gains another pound and her hair continues to touch her bum, you might want to question the staying power of a potential relationship. But if you can see yourself with the person, in spite of the fact that his clothing and shoes drive you crazy, whether she gains some extra weight, or may not want to dress like your high school English teacher three times a week; because to be without them makes you feel like you can't breath. You might be ready to move forward. One of the best things you can do for your new relationship is go into it with your eyes wide open and realistic expectations. Give yourself a fighting chance for happiness and stop wasting time on fairie tales and fantasies. You deserve it.