Tying Myself Up

Why do we drive ourselves crazy for love? Is it the love itself or are we simply addicted to the thrill of falling. Perhaps it's possibility of finally giving someone all of those things we've kept safe for so long. Passing on the joys and the burdens of our lives, and accepting someone elses means that we are not alone, and finally, being connected to another person, our lives have more meaning.

It would be wonderful if love was this perfect gift you could give and receive to those who wanted it as badly as you wanted to share it. Yet, even in it's purest form, love is not without its strings and heartache. They don't call it falling for nothing, and the truth is that at some point you have to hit the ground.

It seems, to me, that at some point we all make choices about love. Whether conscious or not those choices create a blueprint for the people you will love, the way you will share and receive love and how much you will be willing to suffer, sacrifice and endure for love.

One of the challenges is understanding what motivates us to make those choices and if those motivations are healthy and productive or stem from dark and confusing places. Recently, I met a man and in spite of every good intention, we both had, we had constant misunderstandings and the overall relationship was frustrating and bewildering. Though both highly educated and verbose, our communications never yielded satisfactory results. I was always second guessing myself. My confidence was rarely reinforced, rather it seemed as though nothing was good enough, my motives constantly questioned, my good moods torpedoed, never had I allowed another person make me feel like such a failure.

Now many women might wonder what would cause a man to want to be with a woman who so obviously rubbed him the wrong way and failed to make him happy. But I feel the more important question, and certainly the one I am more equipped to answer, is why would a smart, attractive, intelligent, sexy woman want to be with a man that made her feel so unworthy. Why would she constantly try to scale such an insurmountable object? Is it the challenge of finally reaching the "top"? And what would the "top" look like or be like? A lifetime of being with a man who deigned to let you be a part of a life that made you feel as though you were a second class citizen; never measuring up to whatever it is that he wanted. Wow, what a prize a life like that would be.

So what did we learn through this experience? What is the lesson, because this much heartache must have a lesson...

People (and by people, i mean me), when love hurts or feels sad and confusing, emotionally, phyically, spiritually - pause. Take a moment to ask yourself if you are invititing or even creating an environment that is unhealthy, remind yourself what you want for yourself...it's not about merely having a partner to witness your life. It's about finding a compatible lover to share it, to truly be a part of your life and who wants you to be a vital component of theirs as well. Don't sacrifice yourself to a moment or series of moments that limit your ability to be a better, stronger, happier person. If you feel those knots in your stomach more than butterflies don't let your autopilot kick in and convince you that those warning signs don't mean what you KNOW they mean.

We deserve happiness, hell we deserve joy! I am not suggesting that love is all wine and roses, but it cannot be all thorns either. As you are getting to know a person make sure you understand the value you have in this world, to your family, your friends and yourself. Only allow people inside of your heart that want the best for you, it may not mean you always have a partner in your life, but it will ensure that when you do have someone special to spend your time and your life with they truly are special. Get the love you deserve, trade in the knots for butterflies and save your offerings for God.