Tethered, Tied and Falling

Ok folks this is going to be a hairy one. I am falling and I am pretty certain this is not going to be pretty. Those of you who know me can mark your calendars, today, April 5, 2010 at 9:31 a.m. ET, is the moment when it dawned on me how smart women make odd choices, okay, stupid choices.

The Paper Narcissist is still basically the same, he is arrogant, self involved, essentially blind to anyone's suffering but his own, yet I feel compelled to be with him. He draws me to him with his gentleness, his thoughtfulness, his vulnerabilities and ties me to him with his strength, and that laser like focus. He is single minded when it comes to something that he wants and those qualities are like beacons in a storm to me.

My life, that of a creative, wounded, hard working,earth-mother, with responsibilities and obligations that choke me sometimes, requires a tether. Without it, I am forever blowing in the wind, a different direction each day with limited focus and sometimes lacking the ability to move forward with purpose. He is grounded.  He is steel, and yes he is not perfect, but neither am I and who is? Two imperfect people whose perfections and imperfections combine to form a structure of compatibility is what I tell myself. I whisper to my left brain that we are different, but compatible, that being attracted to him and addicted to his wand are sufficient reasons to build more rooms out of this house of straw.

No I don't really believe it, but I want what I want. And I want him. He is Herman and all of the things a man is supposed to be and if he has problems being honest, and true - so be it. After all, what man doesn't? Should I deny myself these pleasures of the mind, heart and flesh simply because he is being true to form? Find me a man that can stir my passions, be my muse, and ground me all the while being completely faithful, and I will show you a man who is simply a better liar. One who has mastered the art of misinformation.

I am always reminded, at this point, why they call it falling. The glorious winds that gust toward your face are heavy and cool and lined with hope and possibilities, the abject terror in knowing what awaits you when you hit the ground the feeling of lightheadedness that pulls at your heart like a ripcord.

So be on the look out for my next post, which will essentially start off with something like... He done me wrong... I would love to know whatever happened to the buoyant feeling of bliss that used to be associated with the first stages of a new relationship?