Are you the pig or the chicken?

Commitment is a pledge, a promise, an obligation.  It is the thing we do when we feel compelled to do the "right" thing.  For most of us, commitment is not sexy, or exciting; in fact, it can be scary or suffocating.  But if you are in a relationship, at some point there is always a choice to be made.  Do you seek commitment or do you merely want to continue with the status quo?

Commitment is not for everyone, and every relationship should not graduate to that level.  It depends on so many things.  Yet many people assume that all relationships between men and women must evolve into a committed relationship and when they do not, the feelings of frustration, anger, fear, and hurt can cause people to push too hard.  We have all been there, mainly because it is rare that two people arrive at the exact same point within the relationship at the same time.  If you get there first, and feel that longing for your mate to acknowledge and commit to you it can be terrifying.  The reason is because if you want a commitment it is usually the first indication that you are truly in love. 

My experience has taught me that love is a hodgepodge of emotions, feelings, actions, and thoughts that result in behaviors between people who want to be together.  Ideally, you care enough about the person to learn how to love them in the healthiest way possible for the two of you.  The goal is a happy, fulfilling life that is interesting, funny, and peaceful, with pockets of excitement along the way.  Realistically, most of us just wander through life hoping that love will find us and fantasizing about how wonderful it will be once we find the person of our dreams.  The idea that love is hard work makes it feel less romantic to me.  I don't want to believe that it takes so much effort to be with a person who says they love me.  Yet, painful experience has taught me that love is not easy.  Passion is easy.  Love takes time and comes with a price.

Once you find a person whose company you enjoy, who turns you on, and feels the same, the hard work begins.  That hard work is pushing past the sexual excitement and interesting activities to true intimacy.  Figuring out if you have common goals, spiritual beliefs and determining if your locus of reasoning (your personal culture) is a help or a hindrance.  If you believe women and men are equal and your partner believes the man should always make the decisions and have the final say, your interactions on important topics will be fractured and complicated because you don't value the same process for solving problems and making decisions.  If you believe in open relationships and she believes in monogamy the relationship will likely be burdened with trust issues.  Love is not about being exactly the same, but it is about compatibility.

I have a friend, let's call him Litchell.  He is a funny guy.  He can be gentle, thoughtful, amusing, charming or the biggest pain in the ass on the planet.  He is constantly on the look-out for a female that is "committed" to him.  But trust me his definition of commitment is not found on dictionary.com.  He wants her to abdicate her common sense, her logic and skepticism and commit to him and his offerings.  His true challenge is that he seeks intelligent, enlightened women of depth and quality.  Those women generally do not walk blindly into relationships and bind themselves to men of questionable circumstances.  For Litchell, his goal is to secure the relationship, not the person.  The challenge is that he is not looking for commitment because he is in love, or in a position to offer love.  He seeks commitment because it is the price of admission into his dating lifestyle.  The need for this level of obligation is an indication of the pain he has suffered in past relationships, romantic and familial. 

Another friend, let's call her Samantha, wants the passion and the companionship but not the commitment.  The commitment scares her and makes her feel smothered so she flits from relationship to relationship like a pretty butterfly looking for nectar.  What she is missing is the depth of relationship and interactions that differentiate relationships from hook-ups.  Her fear of being hurt and hurting others stiffles her ability to open herself up to the real possibility of true love.  

Nothing screws you up more in a relationship than other relationships. Past, present and future, the relationships you have had, are in and aspire to have clutter your mind and create confusion that can prevent you from getting the love most of us want in our lives. Old, failed, love affairs can impact our confidence, causing us to alienate people who want a future with us. Existing friendships and familial obligations can compete with the quality time necessary to create new, strong, healthy relationships. Our desire for perfection in our future love lives can prevent us from appreciating a person of quality today. 

Our ability to move from dating to committed relationship hinges on many things, including our own personal readiness for such a serious transition.  It is love not passion that paves the way for commitment and inspires people to embrace commitment as a privilege rather than a burden or solely an obligation.  When you acknowledge the genuine feelings of respect, desire, interest and compatibility you have for another person and seek intimacy rather than sex, you are truly falling in love and ready to move beyond mere involvement to commitment.  Your ability to give your partner the time they need to feel the same is an indication of the quality of the feelings you share and your maturity because real love does not have an expiration date, you should take your time.

 

That Sweet Feeling

I don't want to jinx myself or anything but guys and girls I met a man.  Not a boy, or a clown, but a fully grown, intelligent, sexy, funny as hell man.  They say it always happens when you least expect it, and it is so true.  While wandering around a book store in Washington DC, he just walked right up and started talking to me.

Like the Terminator, I was mentally, checking off all the qualities he seemed to possess, as he calmly made conversation.  Tall... check, sexy eyes, double check, husky voice, check, cocky smartass ding, ding, ding.  By the time I got to his Italian leather loafers and tan pleated linen slacks I was damn near convinced I was being "punked".  Things really started to take off when it became clear he had an Italian accent though by this time I did start scanning the bookshelves for a hidden camera. 

He asked me to go out for a coffee and even though it was a little scary, I thought about you guys and all the support you have given me, over the past few months, and decided to just go for it.  Conversation over coffee lasted 3 hours and it was a GREAT conversation, full of laughter and teasing.  Talking turned into a walk to the zoo and a dinner invitation.  I cannot believe how effortless it all was.  No electronic winks, or smiles, I did not need my girls to run reconnaissance for a speed-date exits, and no chatting or texting was involved.  Just two people who could not stop smiling, could not take their eyes off each other, and a conversation that spanned politics, religion and children.  All the taboo topics you are not supposed to bring up on a first date.

As I got ready for bed the evening we met, I coached myself not to worry if he never called, but to just be glad that we had met and experienced each other.  Even if we never saw each other again, at least I knew he was out there - a strong, funny, kind man who thought I was sweet an funny too.  I warned myself not to get my hopes up just in case, in reality, he had just been bored and had a couple hours to kill before picked up his wife... or maybe he was getting into character for a play and decided to pick up random women.  But when my computer chimed and I saw his IM, my heart beat faster... i felt the smile on my face, and nothing could dampen the delight that I felt when I read his words.  "Sweet dreams, until tomorrow."

Who knows where this will go, if anywhere, but for the moment I am going to luxuriate in the feeling... that intoxicating, rare feeling you get when you meet someone new and you click.  It's been a while, and it's been a tough summer so don't mind me if for a little while I smile for no reason, giggle on the phone and catch my breath when the phone rings.  I am wise enough to know this feeling is special and enjoy it just because I can. 

You're BALD!!

It's been a while, I know.  There has been some drama, relationships that failed, hopes crumbled, dreams dashed.  I have contemplated writing a book to teach men to lie better, cheat more effectively.  Not because I believe it is good to lie and cheat, but because I am disgusted with their limited capabilities in these areas.  The teacher in me wants to help them be better at it, especially when there is so much room for improvement.


Enter Litchell .  A man you have read about before, with a certain charm but not exactly Abraham Lincoln if you know what I mean.  In his mind, it seems that he finds his indiscretions and falsehoods to be quaint, cute little anomalies that women should overlook for the chance to get closer to him and his magic wand.  That he can look you in the eyes with straight and serious face, while demanding fidelity while rolling fresh from the scented sheet of some hoochie is hilarious and a bit sad.


Fortunately, I demand no such thing from the men I contemplate dating.  Observing the way they hide, deflect and excuse their poor behaviors is great insight into their character and lack thereof.  While dating Litchell it was always fun to watch him espouse the importance of commitment and its value in a "real" relationship, while getting caught in one lie after another.


So many times i dreamed about turning on him as he railed about the unfairness of how poorly he had been treated by a previous paramour and what a great catch he was by screaming, "Negro paaaleaze! I KNOW you are seeing other women.  Stop bullshitting me.  Do you know how I know?  Because your shampoo and conditioner is being used and YOU'RE BALD!"


What had become my own sad little inside joke was listening to him blather on about what an honest, true and good man he was and how he had suffered and learned so much from his previous relationships and would NEVER lie to another woman, all the while the shampoo and conditioner he kept in his shower evaporated like fuel in a Hummer driving at rush-hour in downtown D.C.


The only thing keeping me silent was the fact that other women might stand a chance of seeing him for what he is too as long as the shampoo kept going and going.  It was okay for me to take one for the team, so others might be saved.  If it was good enough for Jesus....

Things Change

If we are always growing, it stands to reason our relationships must adapt in response to our continual evolution.  Recently I went out with a friend and his girlfriend.  Now what made this outing a bit unique is the fact that this was a guy I dated.  Not too seriously, but enough to go out to dinner and go on some very fun dates and for me to learn how to make food from his native land of Pakistan, so I could cook him dinner once.  Things between us were... nice.  Not boring, but there was just no "there, there". 

Instead of losing each others numbers and pretending like we did not exist until we stumbled upon each other in this small town, we "decided" to be friends.  And not "just" friends, but true friends.  We made a conscious effort to keep in touch, not just those painful, conversations about what we are doing on any given day, but truly taking an interest in each others lives.  Every couple of weeks or so we would talk, laugh, grab a bite, or a drink. 

After a few months of being in the "friend" zone, it was ok to discuss who were were dating, and everything just grew from there.  This was an entirely new realm.  Can you recycle guys you wanted to date into friends you truly want to hang out with?  I mean sure you can, but should you is the real question.  The answer is a bit complex and depends on the two people involved, and the nature, complexity and depth of the relationship, but it can be done.  I recommend it, in the right situations.  First it enables you to continually evolve by expanding your circle of friends and it allows you to grow by seeing people outside of your original paradigms and learn about yourself and your dating persona. 

This weekend, me and my friend kicked it up a notch by actually going out with him and his "new" girlfriend.  As I prepared for our time together, it was important for me to make a good impression.  First, I am a naturally competitive person, and come on, there was a tiny bit of me that felt like - I want to look good.  Second, he means a lot to me and him trusting me to be with his new girlfriend, was important, I wanted to make a good impression and validate that he was right to trust me with someone who was precious to him.  The event was made more complicated by the fact that she and I would be alone together for the first couple hours before he could get off work and meet us, and the fact that I was deep in PMSland and not feeling my best what with the bloating, nausea, headache and all...

The good news is she was nice, a real sweetheart and pleasant to be around.  She was kind of in a weird place because I don't think he gave her sufficient information about our history, but even without it she was very sweet and friendly.  We had a good time and it was not awkward other than that normal social awkwardness that is present as people meet and get to know one another. 

So the point here is, every date does not have to be an interview for a boyfriend or husband, and every boyfriend does not have to be a husband.  Relationships should be used to explore how you can best interact with a person.  Sometimes you know right away, which category the person is in, Lover, or FWB (friend with bens), or The ONE.  Most times it takes a while to know exactly what role, if any, the person will play in your life.  By remaining openly observant, and treating people with affection, respect and kindness, any relationship can morph into something pleasantly unexpected. 

I take pride in remaining friends with past lovers, boyfriends, and knowing that there are enough mutual feelings and respect to want to remain in each others lives.  Things change, people evolve and the one constant should be the way you treat the people you care for, even when the nature of the relationship turns into something unexpected.

Are You Trying Too Hard?

Relationships are supposed to be about give and take, right? But if you are always giving and your lover is always taking... is it a healthy relationship? I used to think that love was what each person made it. Some people are givers and others are takers. If a giver meets a taker - perfecto! But that is just not a sign of compatibility as much as enabling poor behaviors.


First, it feels good to give, really good. When you make the time and effort to get something very special for the people in your life, who matter, the feelings of joy you feel inside when they first see it, hold it in their hands, ooh and ahh over it (no matter how big or small) means so much. The warmth inside of you as their eyes light up as they realize you "get them" you know them well enough and love them sufficiently to get them the “perfect” gift is a delicious feeling. No one should go without that feeling, and the more you truly care for someone the more you want to experience it. So if you are with someone who only takes from you and never gives (or rarely gives) they are missing that feeling of joy and generosity.

Also takers take. They are usually, users, who drain you and others because they are so filled with themselves they don’t understand what it takes to focus on others long enough to even know what they may want. When you deal with people like this long enough, you are usually left feeling inadequate and confused. As though everything you tried failed and you are left with this frustrated feeling inside. It’s because deep down you did not give for the right reasons and they did not take for the right reasons. You gave because you wanted them to see something - sometimes it's how much you love them, how much they mean to you or even that you can make them happy and fill up the empty places they have inside of themselves.

Trust me; people who use others and take all the time have lots and lots of empty feelings and spaces inside. They see you and all the others they take from as fillers, not real people with desires and hopes or love in their hearts to share and give. Rather they see you as just another alternative to the void of their own empty existence. They have problems and if they are self aware they will tell you all about them. Why they are as screwed up as they are. But trust me, many times that is just a tactic; a method that allows them to continue to use you up, while they move through people like locust consuming crops. These tactics are useful to the users in the world because it abates their own tiny consciences because they feel vindicated. First they told you they were ff’ed up so everything they do that is hurtful is on “you” from now on. Second, it’s not their fault, because they were damaged and no one should expect them to act differently.

Today's topic though is not about those people, who they are, why they behave the way they do, how to fix them... those ideas will not be explored in this post. In this post, I would like to explore why we (and I say we deliberately) try so hard to give to people who truly don't deserve it. Why we bang our head against the walls of men and women who clearly could care less and do not have the capacity to give or receive love. Love in and of itself is a gift. It enables you to share your time, your mind, spirit and heart with another person. It is more precious than material things and it should be cherished, nurtured, protected by those with whom we share it. When we just hand our love over to people who don't care or know what to do with it we waste it. And contrary to popular belief there is not a limitless supply of unrequited love to share. Eventually, even the most tenacious, generous, positive people become bitter and angry in the face of relentless one sided relationships.

You cannot make another person love you, or desire you, or even see you (notice you). I cannot tell you how invisible I feel sometimes when I am with a man, that I care for and all he sees is his past or other women who certainly will never care for him the way that I do. But that is my pathology, not his. That is me tricking myself into believing if I can just give more, love harder, be more available, generous, whatever, he will see, me. The sadness and loneliness that exists within me when I try to get his attention and hope against hope that maybe, finally he will notice I have been here all along, with all this love to share.

It's not his fault, but I end up trying too hard. I turn myself inside out, trying to make him happy, trying to make him love me, or even just to see me beyond what he can get out of me. Sadly, it never works. They move on, or I move on, and here I am left with the bitterness and loneliness of knowing, it is my fault for trying to love a person that was not loveable. I don't mean they do not deserve love, just that they don't deserve (my) love. That can be true for many of us. The reasons may vary, perhaps they are already in love with another, or they are too broken to express love in a healthy manner, or they simply don't love you, in return, and never will.

We have to stop wasting our love and efforts on the un-loveable and people who don't appreciate it. We have to recognize the value of our feelings and our capacity to give love and then find people who are ready for what we are offering and want to return it just as good as they get it. Giving love is incredible, but receiving love from someone you truly care for is awesome too. I believe it is possible to have a healthy relationship that includes intense passion, chemistry, friendship, and compatibility. But it takes time, patience and we must maintain our own self esteem and recognize we are valuable, worthy, people who deserve real love and true happiness. It is only possible to the extent we are willing to sacrifice what we want (the takers) for what we need, people who love us back, that we will find the healthiest love we can experience. I want healthy, joyful, passionate love. Don’t you think I deserve that? I believe you do, too!

Are You Ready For Love? Sharpening the saw

Throughout history, many have referred to the concept of sharpening the axe, saw, or sword.  Depending on how far back you are willing to go you can find a fable that correlates to this.  What is more important than who is responsible for the story, is the lesson within the story itself.  I have chosen to use references to an author, public speaker and motivator that I have tremendous respect for, Stephen R. Covey.

Stephen R. Covey's book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People®, refers to this in a manner that is very consistent with the lesson here. 

"Suppose you came upon someone in the woods working to saw down a tree. They are exhausted from working for hours. You suggest they take a break to sharpen the saw. They might reply, " I didn't have time to sharpen the saw, I'm busy sawing!"


Habit 7 is taking the time to sharpen the saw. By renewing the four dimensions of your nature - physical, spiritual, mental and social/emotional, you can work more quickly and effortlessly. To do this, we must be proactive. This is a Quadrant II (important, not urgent) activity that must be acted on. It's at the center of our Circle of Influence, so we must do it for ourselves. "

When you decide that you are ready for a new relationship don't minimize the importance of getting ready, physically, spiritually, mentally and emotionally.  This is particularly important when your previous relationship(s) was/were challenging, painful, and you were left feeling as though you were battered and bruised.  But also when you were the person causing pain to people who tried to share love and affection with you.  Regardless, the elements of renewal include self-awareness, your ability to be pro-active versus re-active and being humble enough to understand where to go for help and guidance.

There are few things more important than your ability to regenerate yourself from the effects of the daily stress of life, to the more complex and significant issues caused by milestones, good and bad.  Your inner  power comes from your resilience.  Resilience is without a doubt, one of my favorite words, it suggests that within each of us is the power to return to our original form, after we have been stretched and pulled by outside forces.  My only wish, is that it could also mean, that you were not merely as you were originally, but that you were new and improved because you are now wiser and more experienced.  Either way, the key is we must understand how important it is to take stock, heal, and prepare ourselves for the next steps.

When we sharpen our axe, or saw, we are preparing to chop down the trees in our forest.  And the sharper our tool, the more effective we will be with the least amount of effort.  As we move forward let's agree to work smarter, and really, who doesn't want the next relationship to be easier than the last.  I do.  I look forward to experiencing the thrill of new love without the fear, frustration and dissapointments of past love.  I am sharpening every tool I possess for just that reason. 

Perception is Reality: Do you know how you are perceived?

Self Awareness - Are you capable of looking at yourself with a constructive and critical eye? Few of us are born with proficiency in this area. In fact, it's difficult to look inside yourself at your own flaws and then continue to peer deeply enough to be objective and accurate. Also, what many people outside of ourselves may see as flaws, we may not consider a flaw at all.

A good tool to use when conducting a self-evaluation is to ask friends and family to share their opinions of you good, bad, and ugly. Give them permission to let it rip - then practice your "active listening". In other words, don't go into defense or offense mode. Just listen, bite your lips, sit on your hands, bite a bullet if you have to (I did.) but don't SAY anything just let them really open up about the you they see and experience.

I would encourage you to think about writing down what is said, because when people start saying things about us, to our faces, it is easy to be so emotional  that instead of being useful, you become anxious and mix messages, misunderstand the meaning of their feedback and loose the key focus of the conversation. When I did this excercise with those closest to me, I prepared them and tried to make them as comfortable as possible by laying down some ground rules.

I explained

• what I wanted from them - honest, objective, useful feedback about my personality, actions and behaviors
• why I wanted the feedback - so that it would help me continue to grow and evolve into a more healthy, loving, and loveable person.
• what I would be doing while they were sharing - I explained I would be writing down some of the things they shared because it would help me use their feedback and incorporate their opinions into my overall self-awareness plan. Did my hand shake sometimes while I was writing? You bet it did, I teared up a time or two as well. And not just at the bad things, but the good as well. It is extremely moving to learn why the people who mean the world to you love you back.
• that there would be no hard feelings - that no matter what they said, if they cared enough about me to make the time and to be honest, I would be grateful and appreciative.
• that there were limits -
• this was not intended to give them license to critique me on every single move I made going forward, but to help me prepare for a process I was undertaking at this point in time.  
• And that if they ever wanted me to return the favor, I would be happy to, just not immediately afterward, when I might be feeling a bit raw (and retaliatory),  but anytime after 30 days had passed and I could be objective and provide the same level of care and thoughtfullness they gave to me.

If you decide to undertake this perception review choose the people you include wisely, don't only select people who you know will say nice things, don't select all haters either.  Make sure to get a cross section from your life, including your family, friends, colleagues, church members, and associates.  I also went to a couple people that I did not have a tremendous amount of love for, an ex boyfriend, an old colleague from work who bumped heads with me a couple times. Overall the information was very, very, useful. I learned that it did not have to be taken and accepted as gospel, but when the feedback was broken down into a few useful themes that were consistent across the board, it was easy to see what perceptions my behaviors and actions were causing.

Try to avoid dismissing people's feedback because you believe it's just their opinion and you feel that it is not important.  Opinions matter and perception is the reality of the person and people perceiving it and when it is about you it matters, trust me.  Embrace this opportunity to truly learn new things about yourself.  Be open to understanding that this is a data point in your self awareness assessment and it can be a fundemental part of change and self-improvement.

Dick!

why can't you be a better person
a stronger man?
more compassionate
more loving
more aware of me
as a person
separate from the mirror
you need
to see your image
reflected in?

why can't you be less funny
less charming
not so adorable
less affectionate
less gentle?

why are your kisses
so damn sexy
your mouth so soft against mine so passionate
as you slide your hands through my hair
grab my ass and pull me into your
tall, hard body?

why do you slip into my dreams
your eyes alight with laughter
your soft sexy voice
raspy tones
whispering all the things you
wanna do
are gonna do?

why does sleeping with you feel
so right?
the feel of your large, hard body
holding me tenderly
against your warm chest,
your lion's heart beating,
gentle hands in my hair
pulling me closer,
your long legs wrapped around me
every turn throughout the night
is an attempt to get closer
the smell of you
wafting inside my head
helping me memorize you

why are you so perfectly imperfect?
i hate the way
you make me feel
about you

Compersion:Conversion - Open Relationships - Really?

At some point in our lives most women participate in an open relationship.  Whether knowingly or unknowingly, hey, it happens.  When it is without your permission, it's commonly referred to as cheating, but recently, I have been hearing more and more about women accepting "open" relationships with their husbands and lovers.  It was surprising to say the least to learn that women were not only willing to allow their men to engage in sexual relations outside of the relationship, but according to the laws of compersion, they are joyful to learn their man is sexually involved with other women and possibly men.  Wow, I did not see this evolution coming, and candidly, question whether it has come or whether this is all hype. If it has come, is it truly an evolution?  Evolution, after all, is about growth, improvement, development and forward movement.  I question whether accepting and participating in an open relationship constitutes any of those things.  It will take a lot of research, feedback and discussion for me believe that this is a deliberate decision, forward-thinking, women are making (joyously) versus just throwing their hands up in the air in disgust and resignation because they are too fearful of being alone, to walk away from men unable or unwilling to be honest and faithful.

So indulge me while I drop some knowledge on you regarding some terms you may not understand yet, but will need to be familiar with as you move through future posts under the "Hey Jealousy" label. 

• 
  
  A cuckold is a married man with an adulterous wife. Current usage sometimes extends the term informally to include
• 
  
  cuckqueans (women with adulterous husbands),
• 
  
  wittols (husbands who consent to their wife's extramarital sex), and non-married couples in analogous situations. 
• 
  
  The term cuckold is derived from the old French for cuckoo.  The females of certain varieties of cuckoo lay their eggs in other bird’s nests, freeing themselves from the need to nurture the eggs to hatching. 
• 
  
  As it relates to the cuckold, it was thought that a man, was said to be wearing the horns of a cuckhold when his wife was unfaithful, and everyone in his community knew of her infidelity except him, which would be especially humiliating when she bore a child recognizably not his own.  
• 
  
  Compersion is said to be a non-sexual state of empathetic happiness and joy experienced when an individual's romantic partner experiences happiness and joy through an outside source, including, but not limited to, another romantic interest. The concept is now widespread within the polyamorous community.  
• 
  
  Polyamorous is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.  It is common for people within the polyamorous community to state that jealousy comes with the territory of open romantic relationships. Compersion has often been referred to as "the opposite of jealousy" and some advocates state that through time and experience, it becomes an efficient method for combating jealousy.
• 
  
  Jealousy is resentment against a rival, a person enjoying success or advantage, etc., or against anothers success or advantage itself.

Ok so over the course of however long it takes, we will explore the concepts associated with open relationships - the good, the bad and the ugly.  This should be interesting.

She Hate Me

A good friend asked me why it seems so easy for a person who once loved you, or said that they did, to become someone who does hateful things to you when the relationship does not work out. I do not have the answer because so much of how and why people interact with one another depends on the individuals involved. It is not easy to predict how someone will respond after their heart is broken, or when they get caught in a lie or cannot convince the person they care about to work things out one more time.


Bottom line is this, love is complex and fragile. People who fall in love tend to be even more complex and fragile than those emotions. When you love someone you let your guard down. The more a person has been hurt, the more they protect themselves. When they open their heart to you and you hurt them (whether you mean to or not) the feelings of betrayal, anger, and pain are devastating. My grandmother would always tell me you can choose your actions but not your consequences. When you hurt someone badly, how they respond will likely directly correspond to how much they cared for you.

If the love was deep and lasting, and they believe you did something to jeopardize that, their response is likely to be swift and severe. They may sever all ties, destroy your property, share personal, inappropriate, information about you with friends and relatives or anything else they believe will cause you to feel some of the pain they believe you caused for them.

It does not mean they did not love you, or may still not love you. When someone you love hurts you it is because a large part of the frustration they feel is a is loss of control. You feel as though you were a team, a unit, and could survive anything just because you were together. You shared intimate details of your lives together and probably many experiences from before you met. You bonded and your closeness helped you feel more safe in the world, as though having this person in your life was a safe port in a storm of life. When the person you love calls all that into question, you feel a tremendous loss of control. You are left bereft with feelings of anger and confusion that can cause many people to strike out and try to harm the person they believe caused it all. You.

That does not mean they never loved you. It means they are in pain and acting out is almost a reflex for them so they can try to regain some of the control they believed they lost when you hurt them and caused them to feel such hurt, anger and frustration. It does not mean it is the right thing to do, but it is somewhat natural. Especially, if they do not have healthy, positive, caring people in their lives to encourage them to be mature toward you and make decisions based on the type of person they want to be, rather than give in to their most base instincts. Those instincts may tempt them to indulge in shallow, childish, spiteful behaviors and activities. Having a healthy circle of friends and family to keep you focused and thinking clearly can make all the difference in the world.

Without this network, people make mistakes, and those errors in judgment can hurt and confuse you as much as they felt anger and confusion. That is why ending relationships can cause escalations of anger, harsh words, destroyed property and acts of violence. Each interaction causing more pain and making the way for the other person to feel justified in doing the same or worse.

At some point, one of you has to be the bigger person. The person who remembers that there truly was love in the relationship between the two of you. And even when the romantic love is gone, it does not mean you have to fill that emptiness with anger and vengeance. It can be filled with patience, understanding, respect and affection. Everyone loves and expresses love differently, so it's impossible to truly know or understand how another person feels love, or if they ever did. You can only be accountable for your feelings, your actions and your heart.

If you truly felt love for another person consider yourself blessed and humbled by those feelings because it is one of the rare times in our lives when we are truly touched by the finger of God. Don't allow pettiness, spitefulness and anger to control your actions or your life. If you cannot be friends, walk away with your dignity and integrity in tact confident in the knowledge that you honored the love you were given and prepare yourself for the future, whatever it may hold. You will be a better person and your blessings will be tenfold.

Oh hell; Just Gimme a Moment, I'm Getting Up

Sometimes I feel like I just can't take it anymore. The highs, the lows, the boring in betweens. Looking for Mr. Right behind every corner and only finding Mr. What-the hell-are-you-talking-about? is exhausting. Where is he? Hell at this point I might be willing to take a she, if the packaging was right.

Each day is a mind boggling adventure in perseverance. So I meet nice guys, or at least they seem nice right up until some unforeseen event. The event can be small or large, it can be funny or tragic, but what frustrates me is that I never see it coming. My friends, do. They laughingly tease me and muse amongst themselves that I should know better by now, or give me that condescending look when I come to them, eyes wide open, boldly asking what am I doing wrong? The answer is usually... so many things.

For the sake of this discussion, I have altered the names to protect the guys... today we will focus on Smarl, Litchell and Yogan. These guys are hot, intelligent, accomplished, sexy alpha males any woman would be proud to have on her arm. Yet each of them should have come with a decoder ring because it is beyond my capacity to understand what they want, why they behave the way they do and why it is so damn hard to communicate with and enjoy each other.

First we have Smarl, he is a well built, handsome, chocolate colored military officer who apparently has a bad case of Alzheimer's. When we first met, he was attentive, funny, sweet, even if he had the political views of a prepubescent, conservative, and was about as informed as a Lindsay Lohan on political policy. He had the most beautiful complexion you could imagine. Too bad he seemed to forget he was actually trying date/seduce me and would go into hiding for days or weeks at a time. Popping his head up from time to time, in the form of three word texts, as though we had just finished a conversation an hour ago, not two weeks ago instead, looking to go to dinner, movies or concerts as though we had just seen each other. I met Smarl around the same time as another prize, Litchell. And honestly, there was no contest, for me it was Litchell all the way.  But it seemed prudent, to get to know them both well, prior to making a decision about which one to choose. Assuming, the choice was mine to make. But before I could decide, Smarl and Litchell would always do some ridiculous thing that would make me question the likelihood of either actually being compatible with me.

Smarl and I dated a bit, but there was no real chemistry, we could never get beyond the kissing stage.  After a particularly long absence, he came back, like a puppy who had just found his way home.  He was still charming and fun, and as luck would have it, Litchell and I were beefing again. so it seemed appropriate.  Though, in the interest of being transparent, and not being too fresh, it was important he knew about Litchell, so I told him.  He was upset, and sad, but he said it was his fault for not being consistent and told me he wanted to try to make things work.  He convinced me that he understood our dates would be more like pals hanging out, until I knew what was going on with Litchell.  Smarl was easy to understand, my heart was not vested in him. He could never hurt me, so of course, I tried to make it work, goodness knows I did, especially when Litchell, some of you may know him as the Paper Narcissist, would show his ass. The fact that Smarl's phone never accepted actual "voice" messages was something I had initially been willing to overlook. Maybe he gets a lot of calls from solicitors...But Smarl never really did it for me. Combined with his disappearing acts, the lack of chemistry, and the fact that we had little in common and I just lost interest in him. I was on the verge of telling him it was not going to work out, when he must have "forgotten" he was trying to date me again, and went down whatever rabbit hole he jumped into whenever the mood struck. For those of you who think I am obtuse, yes of course I know he was dating other women and probably not interested also.

Yogan, was a tall, gorgeous stallion of a guy. Used to getting any woman within his field of vision and filled to the brim with enough cocky-asshole in his personality to be amusing about 20% of the time and annoying as hell the rest of the 80%. Harvard educated, and well versed in many languages, he was what my girlfriends would consider a "catch". The one time we actually went out, with friends, he spent most of the night telling me about all of the women at the bar, who so obviously wanted him. Even when that is true, dude - it's so rude to say it out loud, and makes you sound like a total douche. (metaphor alert) Chill, women find it so sexy to defend their food, when it's not yelling in their faces how much everyone else wants to eat it. He also had this strange way of constantly making me feel like a piece of meat he was on the verge of devouring, and he used my rejection of him as an aphrodisiac that fanned the flames of his desire for me until I was about ready to call the authorities. To say he could not take no for an answer was like saying Tiger had a wandering eye....

Then there was Litchell, a beautiful on the outside, and possibly as awesome on the inside, public servant.  He sure seemed like a wonderful, loving, sensitive guy, as long as you have a box of double strength Paxil in your medicine cabinet. I never met anyone so prone to mood swings. There just never seemed to be any rhyme or reason to what pushed one of his many buttons. It was not unusual for us to be enjoying a beautiful afternoon, just lounging about, when all of a sudden out of nowhere, there would be a "Litchell Moment".  These little moments came out of nowhere and usually resulted in my feelings being hurt, both of us feeling misunderstood and just a general feeling of frustration and confusion.  The great thing though was all that emotion created intense passion.  With Litchell, there was plenty of chemistry, lot's of interest, but little stability. The feelings (on my end at least) were intense but scattered all over the place, with no clear feeling that he would or even could reciprocate. His big, beautiful, heart seemed like an illusive, wild animal, always on the horizon, but forever out of reach.

For those of you familiar with my blog, or me personally, you will know who was my favorite. The one lion who stole my heart then rolled all over it with his big hairy ass. And even though I am a bit battered and bruised, I still believe in love. I believe in soul mates and the possibility of finding a person who can make your heart beat faster, who you can't wait to see when you wake up or whose voice you always long to hear. I have had love in my life - and so feel fortunate to realize that when it is good there is nothing better. Yet I want more, perhaps it's greedy to want to have another deep, passionate, soul shattering love that inspires me and captivates me, but it's what I want. And so even though giving up is an option, what many might do when faced with rejection, defection and loss of affection, I am gonna hang in there a little longer. Just in case he is still out there, waiting for me to turn a corner so he can see his future in my eyes too.

Turns Out, Size Does Matter

Liars lie. Cheaters cheat.  Thieves steal, and so on.  Being a person who lies, cheats, is selfish or demonstrates other poor behaviors doesn't have to mean you are doomed to always be a "bad" person.  The same way, staying with a man or woman that tells lies, cheats, or lacks compassion or generosity of spirit, doesn't mean you destined to always repeat the same mistakes and will never be with a person of quality. But the road to change is long, fraught with difficult decisions.  Actually the decisions are not that difficult.  They are just a pain because people get used to doing things one way and don't like to change.  Even when the thing you are doing is not good for you, it can feel better to go with it, than stop, assess, and make a conscious decision to do something else.

When you continuously lie and cheat on those you care about, or you make excuses for a person that lies, cheats, and exhibits other poor character traits, you are condoning those behaviors, directly or by association and implying you don't deserve to be a person of quality, or be with a person of quality.  Quality is not about material things such as, the car you drive, the clothes and jewelry you wear, and  physical attractiveness is not at issue here.  This is purely about what motivates a person to do one thing over another, either as a daily practice or under pressure.  Some people refer to this as a person's culture.

My paternal grandmother called the execution of these traits a person's "go-to".  Whether they were just doing something they would do any day of the week, or facing a crisis, what they do without much thinking, is who they are.  The behaviors a person executes when facing a crisis is what I call "looking into the abyss", and my father reinforced this message at every opportunity during my childhood.  The basic premise is this, when you are faced with difficult times, or challenging situations what is your "go to"?  Go-to is simply your cultural norm, what you do as an intuitive practice, without giving much conscious thought.  For example, when you leave your bathroom, is the lid up or down?  Do you make your bed every day, or only when you are expecting company?  Do you lie to your family and friends with abandon?  Do you have clothes in your closet that belong to others without their knowledge?  Do you have supplies in your home that belong at your job?  Have you ever had an inappropriate interraction between your friends, girlfriend or boyfriend? 

Go-to behaviors are essentially habits you form and norm during your lifetime.  These habits become behaviors that define who you are to the outside world (the world outside of your own head).  How your friends, family, lovers, colleagues and strangers perceive you and define you as a person.  You can live your life in the misguided bubble of "I don't care how others perceive me! or you can take ownership of your credibility and obtain greater awareness of how you are perceived, and work on leveraging the desireable behaviors and transforming the challenging ones.   What you think you say, what you say you do and what you do you become. 

Your "go to" behavior in a crisis is a significant indicator in determining who you are, as a man or a woman.  Some people believe that when faced with a crisis, they should get a free pass.  The coward, who says, "I only beat my wife because I lost my job and could not cope"  or the tramp, who excuses her bad behavior, "I know he was my best friends' husband, but my husband left me and I was lonely and could not cope".  These excuses don't validate poor behaviors or choices, rather they exemplify how the people you thought you knew so well, were never who you thought they were in the first place. 

Lies matter, small, big and anything in between.  They are a symptom of a person with a faulty moral compass.  When considering building a life with someone remember their compass is what determines the direction their life will take.  If you anchor yourself to them, that compass is guiding you too.  Find a person of true quality.  A person who understands the difference between right and wrong and constantly seeks to improve their life and the lives of those around them.  Avoid spending time with people who can excuse their own bad behaviors and fail to accept responsibility for their consequences.  In no time they will be making excuses for the decisions they make affecting you and yours.

Poking the Lion: Herman & Palmeda

Once upon a time there was a little mouse named Palmeda, she was tiny, but saucy and very strong willed. She was creative and saw beautiful colors, music and stories inside her head and always did exactly as she pleased and was constantly getting into some type of trouble or scrape with the other animals. Palmeda didn't mean to but their complacent manner bothered her, the way they merely accepted the status quo infuriated her, so she was often out on her own, searching for something; her nature made the other animals fearful and stay away from her. Her parents only had eyes for each other, always making love or fighting never a moment to consider how Palmeda was getting along, did she have enough food, enough water, was she warm, did she find a soft bed at night, did she feel loved and protected?


Fortunately, Palmeda was very self-sufficient, she was strong and used to taking care of herself. She was always curious, usually learning and often busy. One day after a particularly boring morning and afternoon, she was walking through the tall grasses of the jungle where she lived and she saw a small lake where a lot of the animals were gathered to drink. It was a very hot day, she was on her way to get some water as well when her instincts took over and the hair on the back of her tiny neck stood up. She froze and her heart was in her throat, it suddenly became silent and appeared that even the birds stopped singing. As she looked around trying to see what was the source of the danger - because one thing was for sure there was danger near her and it was extremely close by.

Suddenly as she looked into the tall grasses and her eyes became accustomed to the dimming light she realized that two beautiful green-golden eyes were staring out at the water. Then without warning her vision focused and she saw its face and she sucked in her breath as she understood it was a lion. Not just any lion, THE lion, Herman; the one that ran this part of the jungle. She had seen him before and her mother had warned her to stay away from him because he was very mean, and solitary. His one true love had been killed and since then he wandered and hunted on his own. It was rumored that he killed everything and everyone that came across his path. As he lay hidden in the grass, looking at the animals standing at the drink, Palmeda had a rare chance. She had a chance to look at him, really look at him and he was a beautiful, majestic, incredible sight to behold.

She had heard of love at first sight, but never believed in the concept. But now for the first time, she understood what it was like to see inside of someone in an instant. As she watched him, from the safety of her hiding place, she saw his eyes were lazy and hooded and his gaze was steady but casual, and his muscles were relaxed. Then suddenly, without warning he rose up and moved quickly, stealthily, silently and deadly. She was amazed how he went from just looking to standing poised and alert his eyes spying a weak animal; his prey and he was fixated on the animal. Palmeda felt a stirring in her stomach and it was unfamiliar and hot. My God, to be beheld by him in such a manner to be at the other end of that fierce gaze, if only for an instant. For a fleeting second she thought I would give my life to be looked upon with such intensity and fierceness. She stared as she wondered what it would feel like to finally be seen.

Palmeda realized which poor animal he was after and wanted to warn it but before she could move he leapt across the grass with a powerful growl and sped gracefully toward the animal. Palmeda wanted to close her eyes, turn away from him killing the smaller animal. But seeing Herman use the full force of his powers was too captivating she had never seen anything so primal and so exciting and she had lived in the jungle all of her life, she had seen a lot. Palmeda watched as he grabbed the animal by its neck and break it in an instant then carry its lifeless body with him back across the grass. Though she knew it was dangerous, still, she followed him. She told herself to leave him alone that he was too much for her he was too wild too exotic, that he was too beautiful, but she had never seen anything like him before and she was enthralled by him.

As the days turned to weeks, Palmeda followed Herman everywhere. She changed her sleep pattern just so she could be more attuned to his body rhythms. He was her earth, her air, her water, her food, she wanted for nothing as long as she could see him. Though soon it was not enough to simply be around him at a safe distance, she had to get closer, to see if it was possible that her dreams of him were real. She was worried that somehow she had imagined him. Palmeda had a very vivid imagination and it was not unusual for her to create friends or foes. Just to be certain, everyday she would get closer and closer and closer until one day she realized that he was vulnerable while he slept, and that if she were very, very quiet and careful she could tip toe up to him and sleep beside him and then awaken before he realized she was ever there. She could be near him and still be safe.

When she asked herself why it was so important to be so close to him she lied to herself and said that it was to prove how brave she was, to show that she was afraid of nothing. The truth was she loved Herman, he was the other half of her soul, she reveled in his power, his dominion over the jungle and the tenderness she had seen him exhibit in the weeks she had followed him toward small animals and his pride. Contrary to what she had heard, he was not brutal unnecessarily, but tender and kind when no one was watching.

One day when she was preparing to go to Herman, her mother watched her. Her mother that she thought was too preoccupied to notice that she was alive, let alone in love. But she noticed and she touched Palmeda's hand softly and hugged her tightly and said, "My beautiful dreamer, my adorable little mouse, haven't you heard, even a bird and fish can fall in love... but where will they build their nest, Palmeda?"

Her eyes large, she stopped in her tracks and looked at her mother's serious face. She spun away quickly and ran through the forest to Herman. Nothing would ever stop her from being his. He was everything she ever wanted in a mate and she would have him and he would have her. In some way, though she knew that while he was awake she could never truly be with him only in his most vulnerable state would she be able to steal a few minutes with him and then while he was asleep and unaware of her presence.

Palmeda knew she was playing with fire, that a beautiful, sexy, wild animal like Herman would never be interested in a tiny mouse what could she offer him, they could not mate, and they could not start a family, he would not be proud to show her to his friends or family so she made herself a promise. If she could have 30 days with Herman, she would be blissfully happy and if the gods would grant her that one wish she would sacrifice herself for their pleasure.

The first day she tip toed up to him while he was sleeping it took 2 hours just to reach his tail, and by then she was so exhausted she forgot to be terrified and just fell inside the circle of his fluffy tail and went to sleep. She was lucky that she woke up before he did and skipped back into the jungle to hide amongst the cool, dew filled grass and wait for him to wake up. When he did awaken she was reminded that she was intoxicated by everything about him. As she laid quietly on her back remembering her time with him she could recall his smell, the sound of his breathing, the feel of the heat coming off his strong body. She could hardly believe that she had been so close to him for hours and made it out safely and alive was incredible.

When evening came, and he began his normal routine, Palmeda immediately sensed that something was different, Herman was not himself, he did not hunt well, and hurt his foot while running. She wanted to go to him to lick his wound and take care of him. She wondered what was wrong with him, and could not put her foot on why he was so different but he was not his usual perfect self and she was worried. She did not know how, but she would follow him and if he needed it, she would protect him, somehow.

As the days went by almost every single day, she found a way to sleep in the warm safe circle of Herman's tail. No matter what horrors had transpired, during those heady days, and she suffered through much, things others could never begin to fathom, as long as she was safe with him for two hours each day her life had purpose and she could think and create and find happiness in the dark bleakness of her tiny existence. So each day she risked it all she put it all on the line, everything just for the chance to be next to him, smell him, taste him, hear his deep powerful breaths while he slept and feel the heat from his body.

He gave her so much, even without knowing it that it became important to give him something in return. Sometimes she would leave him presents, things a strong lion would need that others would not think to provide for the one who cared for so many, a soft pillow made from the softest flowers for his huge head, little berries that were sweet and juicy, and she sang his praises through the jungle far and wide.

Soon she forgot to be as afraid of Herman as she should have been, and she was not as careful when she approached him, or lay with him or left him gifts. Sometimes her boldness bordered on self-destructiveness. It was as though she wanted him to know who she was, that she was there all around him, wanted him to see HER, to understand that she loved him and cared for him. One day she was sleeping safely inside the circle of his tail and before she opened her eyes she felt the warm hot breath on her face. Before she opened her eyes she knew he was there, looking at her, her pussy was wet and she could feel the heat from his gaze all around her. She knew when she looked at him, she would be on the receiving end of his gaze, finally. As Palmeda slowly opened her eyes and she saw him, staring at her.

Though without fierceness, rather it was with a bemused and befuddled look on his face, a slight soft lion's grin. Though it was his eyes that told her everything, even with their casual perusal of her face and form, his beautiful golden eyes said, "I know Palmeda, I have always known you were there." Then he spoke, his voice, deep and velvety resonated and poured over her like warm honey. "Even when I did not understand why, I knew and I waited for you to tell me why, but each day you came and went without a word, and I don't understand why you would play such a dangerous game with me. I have asked around the jungle about you and they say you are crazy, you are different from everyone, all alone in the world, and no one cares for you." he stated in wonder, looking into the depths of her.

She opened her legs and closed her eyes as she began to feel the warmth spreading throughout her body. Listening to him speak as he gazed upon her was wreaking havoc with her emotions and her breathing. She could hardly think and barely formulate words. Herman tilted his head to the side then shuttered his eyes and said slowly, deeply, "I believe that I understand why you are here. You want me to end your suffering, your loneliness. You have heard of my ruthlessness and know I can help you so you won't be alone and afraid anymore. You want me to help you so the pain will go away."

Palmeda looked into those beautiful green golden eyes of Herman's and with tears in her eyes she said "yesssss, yesssss that is exactly what I want Herman will you please help me, I have waited my entire life for you, I dreamed of you and before I saw you I dreamed of the promise of you. To know that you are here in my world, in the jungle where I live and that you might "see" me, and that you would help me is more than I ever imagined was possible in my sad world. Honestly, I never thought you would care, I did not think it was possible for you to help me to take the pain away, thank you so much, I will love you forever." she whispered as she closed her beautiful sad little eyes tightly waiting to feel the passion of her lovers embrace.

Herman looked at her and cocked his head as if he could not understand the subtext of her message but he believed that understood the crazy little mouse well enough, he softly said "yes, Palmeda i will help you" and feeling compassionate, pragmatic and omnipotent, he opened his huge gaping mouth, and he ate her.

the end.

A bird and a fish can fall in love, but where will they build their nest?

Tethered, Tied and Falling

Ok folks this is going to be a hairy one. I am falling and I am pretty certain this is not going to be pretty. Those of you who know me can mark your calendars, today, April 5, 2010 at 9:31 a.m. ET, is the moment when it dawned on me how smart women make odd choices, okay, stupid choices.

The Paper Narcissist is still basically the same, he is arrogant, self involved, essentially blind to anyone's suffering but his own, yet I feel compelled to be with him. He draws me to him with his gentleness, his thoughtfulness, his vulnerabilities and ties me to him with his strength, and that laser like focus. He is single minded when it comes to something that he wants and those qualities are like beacons in a storm to me.

My life, that of a creative, wounded, hard working,earth-mother, with responsibilities and obligations that choke me sometimes, requires a tether. Without it, I am forever blowing in the wind, a different direction each day with limited focus and sometimes lacking the ability to move forward with purpose. He is grounded.  He is steel, and yes he is not perfect, but neither am I and who is? Two imperfect people whose perfections and imperfections combine to form a structure of compatibility is what I tell myself. I whisper to my left brain that we are different, but compatible, that being attracted to him and addicted to his wand are sufficient reasons to build more rooms out of this house of straw.

No I don't really believe it, but I want what I want. And I want him. He is Herman and all of the things a man is supposed to be and if he has problems being honest, and true - so be it. After all, what man doesn't? Should I deny myself these pleasures of the mind, heart and flesh simply because he is being true to form? Find me a man that can stir my passions, be my muse, and ground me all the while being completely faithful, and I will show you a man who is simply a better liar. One who has mastered the art of misinformation.

I am always reminded, at this point, why they call it falling. The glorious winds that gust toward your face are heavy and cool and lined with hope and possibilities, the abject terror in knowing what awaits you when you hit the ground the feeling of lightheadedness that pulls at your heart like a ripcord.

So be on the look out for my next post, which will essentially start off with something like... He done me wrong... I would love to know whatever happened to the buoyant feeling of bliss that used to be associated with the first stages of a new relationship?

Paper Narcissist

I begin this homage, well anti-homage to you, by acknowledging the fact I am probably least qualified to write about your limitations. That I, myself, question the effectiveness and validity of sharing revelations by a person (me) who was clearly caught up in the same spell that captivates you. Yourself.

I was taught the danger of buying into the idea that a man's worth is equivalent to his attractiveness or that attractiveness is all about imagery. Yet what drew me to you was never your surface, it was your real talent; creating an impression that there is substance behind the packaging. Packaging is great, it should provide you with a better understanding of what is inside once you have opened the box, or pealed back the layers. And your packaging is dope; in fact if you put as much effort into what you have on the inside as you do on the thinnest veneer of your surface, you might actually have a product worth having...

I do not mean my comments as digs or cruelly, well maybe I am a tiny bit peeved. That is what happens when you screw over someone who has a blog... oops. But these are my true thoughts - that your main focus in relationships waivers between creating the sturdiest platform for your own soap box so you can shout your story from the mountain tops, and attempting to find a sympathetic, panting, silent audience. Your desires seem more about feeding your ravenous, continuously, repetitive historical, monologue than providing nourishment to the women who might actually be interested in your current state of being. Trust me, while walking down memory lane may be useful to understand your motivations and help you make better choices in your future... living and reliving memory lane is apt to make you feel lonely and frustrated.

Not to seem unduly, condescending but you seem to be confusing the lessons about understanding history to avoid repeating it with espousing your own history so you can relive and re-write it. There is no lesson when you lie to yourself as constantly as you do to those around you. Maturity is about dealing with the reality of your actual life, candid assessment of your present status, and making choices that lead you in one direction or another. Your accountability for the consequences resulting from your own actions makes you a man, your ability to learn from prior experiences and make progressively better choices makes you an intelligent man. Your desire and ability to shield those you care for from your poor choices makes you a good man. Your inability to do any of the above makes you an asshole. Your frequent attempts to use, lie and harm people who only want to help you be a stronger, better person seems juvenile and heartless. Your attempts at running your "game" on women seems like a child trying to be Machiavellian, don't worry I will pause here while you pop over to dictionary.com or wikipedia... to grapple with understanding the concept.

You said that your last relationship failed because lied about who you were and by the time you were finally ready to reveal your true self she didn't give a flying fig. Yet, you still find limitless reasons to lie about yourself, not only who you are, but what you want and whom you want. You say you had a difficult childhood and it prepared you to help others. Yet the help you can actually offer is nebulous at best, unless watching you screw up your own life is intended to be the sacrifice you offer to your audience. In reality you would benefit from therapy (and lots of it) in the absence of that your untreated oedipal complex, combined with the abandonment issues and your pathological narcissism make you the person least equipped to contribute more than confusion and compound the suffering of those who are ill fated enough to seek out your vapid, counsel.

Clearly, I still need time to heal...

REFERENCE:
Narcissus or Narkissos (Greek: Νάρκισσος), possibly derived from ναρκη (narke) meaning "sleep, numbness," in Greek mythology was a hero from the territory of Thespiae in Boeotia who was renowned for his beauty. In the various stories he is exceptionally cruel, in that he disdains those who love him. As divine punishment he falls in love with a reflection in a pool, not realizing it was his own, and perishes there, not being able to leave the beauty of his own reflection. Several versions of his myth have survived: one found among the Oxyrhynchus papyri and ascribed to Parthenius; Conon, Narrations, 24, dated to sometime between 39 BC and 17 AD; Ovid's, from his Metamorphoses;[1] Pausanias', from his Guide to Greece, (9.31.7).

Mars and Venus and New Relationships

The beginning of a new relationship is a complex thing, almost like an organism that is born, and lives in its own tiny universe. The atmosphere must be rigorously nurturing and protective or it may not survive. When you are young, and all you have to focus on is classes, your parents, perhaps siblings and friends, a new relationship can easily take center stage. Like a first born child the care and feeding of it is matched by importance and priority of everything else going on in your life. The fact that relationships themselves are new to you adds to the mystique and your enthusiasm.


By the time you have several relationships under your belt the novelty wears thin, as your life becomes more diverse and you acquire the competing priorities of children, career, financial burdens and your own hobbies and interests, cultivating a new relationship can almost seem like an impossible dream. Similar to retiring at 35 or taking a trip around the world, or quitting your job and starting your own business a new relationship may seem like a great idea that is more of a fantasy and a dream than a goal you can actually achieve.

Men and women think about relationships differently. As your feelings evolve and deepen from merely dating to becoming committed to one another a shift takes place. It is a subtle one, and if you are not careful, you can miss it entirely. But this tipping point can mean the difference between moving toward a relationship or moving toward separation. If you have been involved with several people and cannot seem to move to the next phase perhaps that tipping point is where you fail to demonstrate sufficient awareness of what is needed or that you see what is needed but are not capable of delivering what your partner requires from the person they invite into there lives.

The presumption is that once you have moved beyond the initial phases of chemistry, attraction and dating; superficial interest in each other has been established. On a deeper level than what each unique individual needs to be physically attracted to their partner, men and women generally are motivated by different things when beginning and maintaining relationships. Men need to know that you believe in them and have faith in their ability to protect, nurture, care and provide for the women in their lives. They need to feel revered. Women must feel that the men in their lives cherish them, are interested in their thoughts, hopes and dreams and feel proud to be with them. The absence of these feelings creates a vacuum in a relationship making it easy for doubts, anxieties, frustrations and confusion to chip away at a new relationship before it has had a chance to take root. If the couple has communication challenges it's almost hopeless because the hurdles may seem more significant than the value of a new relationship that has not yet been tested and proven.

It is said that women enter into relationships anxious to change the man in their lives, to "fix" him so that he can finally be a perfect version of the prince charming about which they have always dreamed. Conversely, men find a woman they adore and desperately hope that she will never change anything about herself from their first initial dates. The reality is that both are destined to be disappointed.

I have a number of female friends who amaze me by dating a man for months sometimes years and constantly lament his bad habits, "I hate that he always puts his friends before me, or he takes all of his frustrations out on me and I hate it". Then they marry the same man and are angry, frustrated and shocked to find he continues to do the very same things he did throughout the dating relationship. As though there is some unspoken expectation that moving a relationship forward automatically changes a person exactly the way you wanted them to change.

When a man ceases to feel appreciated and revered, he will seek that satisfaction elsewhere, because the need for it is great in the male psyche. If you meet a man and he drinks, lies, cheats, or smokes... don't assume your love is going to change that. Find a man that you can love and adore exactly as he is whether he changes or not. If he has bad habits and finds a way to improve himself, that should be done for his own personal betterment, not for you or your relationship.

By the same token, I have male friends that don't understand there is not a woman alive who can live up to the expectations a man develops during the first several months of dating. The grooming, the sexual excitement and experiences, the doe eyed adoration a woman has for a man in a new relationship begins to wane, in the face of washing his dirty clothes, cooking, shopping, going to work, having children. Women have to believe they can mature and still be attractive to the men in their lives or they will find new men who make them feel attractive.

The goal of the new relationship is to use the dating period to explore each persons desires, hopes, behaviors, habits and determine if there is compatibility. Compatibility means you fit, in spite of everything that is happening, and may happen to the best of your abilities to forecast your future. If you can only see yourself with that person if they quit smoking, or stop hanging out with their best friends from childhood, or if she never gains another pound and her hair continues to touch her bum, you might want to question the staying power of a potential relationship. But if you can see yourself with the person, in spite of the fact that his clothing and shoes drive you crazy, whether she gains some extra weight, or may not want to dress like your high school English teacher three times a week; because to be without them makes you feel like you can't breath. You might be ready to move forward. One of the best things you can do for your new relationship is go into it with your eyes wide open and realistic expectations. Give yourself a fighting chance for happiness and stop wasting time on fairie tales and fantasies. You deserve it.

I love it when you call me baby

i love it
when you call me baby
love the fire
your sexy voice inspires
promises of safety
i have made to my tattered heart
you have made me a liar



love it when you say
what you want
how you want it
and "it" is me

everything you
do, say, write
is moving me forward
to where i know not

you are advancing me
when others have tried and failed
your strong, gentle confidence moves me
makes me want to
peek
around corners,
take baby steps
take giant leaps

my fear is still here and there
but when you call me
baby
your voice beats it back
parting the black emptiness
letting a ray of light
come inside
making it so difficult
for me to hide

i love it when you call me
baby

Knowing

still wishing every day
that i might awaken with the forgetfulness that plagues me on the one hand
and mocks me on the other
wishing for one single day of peace
the peace of not knowing you exist

of not knowing your voice moves me like no other
its rich velvet timbers racing along my spine
not knowing your golden eyes, so beautiful when alight with humor,
can casually caress my body with your gaze
and without intent or awareness,
of the power you have over me,
can, literally, cause my heart to miss beats

knowing your power, barely contained, under that fine muscled surface
could hold me fiercely, protect me,

tenderly, cherish me,

passionately, consume me,

knowing that your full lipped mouth

could whisper words that transport me

or caress my body sensuously, if you would only choose to do so

knowing that you would rather fear me than use me

knowing that you would rather eat cotton candy than peaches

knowing that i have a lifetime of warm sultry summer nights without you

knowing that it seems impossible for any other to touch the core of me

because you own it; even without desiring it, you placed your mark upon my soul

knowing that even in the midst of unending, sometimes unendurable pain and longing

my haunting desire for you is preferable to not knowing