hello mouse

if there was something i could say to you
that might make your life easier
more filled with joy
love
stability
it would be that
little mouse,
you are loved.

in your life you will know the love of great women
strong beautiful women
who have experienced the joys and pains
and lived to tell the story.

your mother, grandmother, friends, cousins
aunts, and mentors.
these are women of quality
who care deeply what happens to you
and while it may seem like an impossible burden
to live now,
in this moment.
hold on, mouse,
hold on.

your heart may be breaking today
but right around the corner
just beyond your current grasp
is a life that has meaning.
it is not without its challenges,
but you always loved to be challenged.

so hold tight to your courage
gather your resolve
and pace yourself.
be strong, and never give up.
remember you are loved
you are worthy
and your importance
can only be measured
by your endurance, tolerance, compassion and
your ability to care, redeem and inspire.

be strong little mouse.
you are loved.

THE WAY OF LOVE nothing ever hurt like you

for Love is patient and kind;
  driven me outta my fucking mind.







love does not envy or boast;
  but it can kill its host.
it is not arrogant or rude
 werd?

It does not insist on its own way
  but this thing has to have its own say;
it is not irritable or resentful;
  but losing it is damn eventful.
it does not rejoice at wrongdoing,
but rejoices with the truth.
  and mis-spent youth.

Love bears all things,
  on fragile jacked-up butterfly wings
believes all things,
  the pain it brings sure stings
hopes all things,
  kills kings
endures all things.
  and still sings.

Love never ends.
  i guess that kinda depends
As for prophecies, they will pass away;
  lonely futures don't matter anyway.

as for tongues, they will cease;
  they can prattle on for peace.
 as for knowledge,
  broken hearts still go to college.
 it will pass away.
  please stay... please stay.

For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
  but a broke down heart is still a broke down heart,
but when the perfect comes,
  count your sums
the partial will pass away.
  and the whole will pay anyway.

When I was a child,
  love was defiled.
I spoke like a child,
  never paid to be mild.
I thought like a child,
  turned wild.
I reasoned like a child.
  painful heart filed.

When I became a man,
  pouring sand.
I gave up childish ways.
  lonelier nights. lonelier days.

For now we see in a mirror dimly,
  simply.
but then face to face.
  make haste,  
Now I know in part;
  love is but an upstart.
then I shall know fully
  fucking bully,
even as I have been fully known.
  love has degraded, cannot be owned
  may be cloned.

So now faith, hope,
  you gotta be a fucking dope
and love abide,
  run - hide!
these three;
and thee.

but the greatest of these is love.
  the four letter word
  best never spoken of.

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1 Corinthians 13 English Standard Version

The Way of Love

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned,a but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful;b 6it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

8Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. 11When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. 12For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

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WHAT WILL HE SEE? fish 2 mermaid 0

ME

what will he see?
when he looks into my heart
will he see me?

when he stands before me,
eyes open
will he want what i am?
who i am?
all that i am?


what will he see?
when my body is writhing
and prone before him
my arms open, beckoning him
closer.
will he see me?
all that i have
what i am.

it is so brutally hard to smile
and laugh
to pretend my heart is still whole
one big unprotected
shard
of shattered glass
that cuts its way out of my own chest
as i look along the ground
for my cheerful facade.

SHE

it is gut wrenching to imagine
herman with a mate that is not me
a love that would be
more,
better, different
from the little mouse
who stands so proud
sassy, funny, strong
as she waits, patiently,
for his golden eyes
to behold her
and define her
and reveal her purpose
on this earth.

without the warmth and love
inside of his stare
as he gazes upon her golden, silky skin
she is truly a mere mouse,
a mermaid
alone,
forgotten.
separated from her purpose
her journey
to be made alone
with her talisman,
her only beacon
no other light to warm her
illuminate her uniqueness.

will he realize that what makes her
extraordinary
is the exact thing he dismisses?
will he see
the promise of their life,
fast-forwarding through time
as he looks for a life without
her warm, soft wet
kisses?

will he want a love
that is flawed,
when perfection swims all around?
will he see the beauty in the complexity of her
shape?
how her body, made for sin
glides through the water
yet remains unable to walk or dance?
will he feel the loss
when her love is
nowhere to be found?

THE

little mouse,
take heed and listen well
my song is for you
hear what i have to tell.
hold strong
to your heart
save your soul
from that fierce lion
stave yourself if you must
but never stop trying
to find your own way
or love another
because what you think is a
thriller
is not a hair pulling good-time
but the stalking of a
killer.

Massage Head

sometimes,
the world can be a
frustrating and scary place.
everywhere you turn
it seems like there is something
or someone
ready to pounce,
some situation that
is ready to jump off
causing drama
or
just the stress 
of being with those you love.

so when you find someone
who makes you feel safe,
secure,
calm and relaxed,
a smiling, friendly face that is genuine
with a caring heart so
authentic
combined with the consummate professionalism
of a true artisan
it makes you want to
woo hoo hoo
you know you have arrived
into the calm, zen-zone
of the magic man.

whether you call him
chocolate drop, chocolate thunder
baby boy, or just ronnie
he has this gift
that is way beyond his
large, warm, strong fingers.
his talents lie in the
intuitive soulfulness
that enables him
to understand exactly what you need
when and how you need it.

it may seem simple,
and many massage therapist
may feel like they offer the same techniques
and possess similar skills
but i tell you
it ain't so.

unless and until you have experienced
"massage-head"
a feeling of sublime calmness;
when you are almost
disoriented, your legs shaky
your vision slightly blurred
an overall feeling
that is trancendental in its
spiritualness.

the tao of all chi
and the chi of all tao -
that is where chocolate thunder's hands
take you
and where you
gladly surrender yourself to
as you lie on his table
writhing in the
esquisite torture of the "bows"
as he goes deeper and deeper
pushing into places you had
no idea existed
within your own body
and
pulling out what ails you.

or whether you lay happily and
peacefully, at home,
as his ample hands
slide along the crevices
of your oiled, naked skin
healing you,
making you feel whole
when you felt shattered,
and ready to face the
world,
ready to believe
in the fairie tale
again.

Spring has sprung!

yesterday was awesome,
riding in the car
sunroof open
warm winds blowing
holding your hands
keeping them still
willing my mind to
remember skepticism
recall patience
encouraging my heart to
slowdown.

it is so hard
to live like a mature person
when the summer sounds and smells
are everywhere
and all i want to do
is jump into a
pool of you

i can still feel your fingertips
sliding along my arms
your sexy smile opening
for your perfectly
white teeth
to bite down on that
bottom lip
i love so much

i can smell your soft cologne
and feel the heat that radiates
off your body
as you get as close as you can
without getting inside
of my heart, body and soul
because you are already
inside of my mind.

right now, it is too hard to tell
if the intoxication i feel
is you, or the magic of the season
but whatever
it has been such a cold, winter
i welcome the spring
breezes, rains and blossoms
it feels so good
to get wet sometimes

Exquisitely Painful

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

i am that girl tonight.
the one who cannot escape.
a victim of her own success.

the woman who is jealous
of the illusion she created,
to ensnare another
and somehow caught herself.  dumb-ass.

a moron,
so tired,
from pathological sleeplessness,
exhausted.
my feet hurt from dancing
yet i cannot remove these red shoes
and i cannot stop the dance
as long as they are firmly on my feet

i wish i could remove myself
and excuse myself.
it would be a relief
to give him what he wants
peace and i'm sure (by now)
quiet.

RATIONALIZATIONS ENVY SHAME

yet i cannot leave him more damaged
than he was when i found him
limping along now,
when his gate was strong, before, if not powerful,
when we first became aware of each other

as i recall how he wooed her,
it kills me,
every breath is a struggle
how attentive he was
his thoughts and heart open,
how accessible he was in his courtship.

the illusion that was more real inside
but not outward - yet he desires the illusion
his passion for her trumps me
stumps me,
devastates me.
his desire for her
allowed his instincts to pull something towards him
quickly, stealthily
a catch unlike any other,
but ewwww
a yucky, mermaid was what he saw in his net
when his appetites were
apparently more for fish

still the mermaid that he reeled in
with the expertise of a professional trawler
sang her song only for him, idiot.
her eyes drinking in his beauty,
his form
his strength

even his obvious weaknesses
did not deter her
from seeing what a rare find he was
indeed
they made him more vulnerable.
lovable.
fuckable.

lions, mice, mermaids, birds
no matter the species
they are incompatible
meant to attract? perhaps.
but, never meant to live together.
be together.
yet we are all made from the same thing
theoretically, right?
soulmates? jackass

my mind winces
as it is
prodded with daggers
lanced with pain and hope.
the hope that he might notice me
and remember i am here, was here,
may remain here
waiting for him,
or at least the me that remains,
what he made me
a shell of that woman,

no longer reminiscent of that powerful dreamer
who beat back the incubus who sought to
capture her, enslave her, manipulate and control her
using her progeny as bait and ransom.

now she is a mere mermaid,
yes she can sing and dance, but whatever.
she sits patiently and anxiously
waiting
that he might lose himself
in her song or her dance
and reveal just a tiny part of what he
now hides and holds in abeyance
just inside of his own skin
until a pretty fish swims by.

FURY

when did breathing and hoping
become more painful than dancing?
even the dance of a fool?
a fat mass of contradictions
too convoluted even for me to grasp.

yet it is more piercing
to think.
more agonizing to use my mind
than breath the dead air of a liar.
more excruciating and humiliating than the dance, even

in thinking,
there is the memory.
memories of what they were
dreams of what could have been.

a devastating remembrance
of him
finally letting lose his sovereign roar
ultimately revealing his anger, humiliation and his pain
his disgust.

i don't trust YOU.  i don't want YOU!
you fucking mermaid
WHERE IS MY GODDAMN
FISH?

god, if you are out there
spare him his pain, the embarrasment i caused.
and please spare me from the vexatious, pain of his words

the idea that i caused him harm
is killing me tonight
how could i?
i am but a mermaid, a mouse
so insignificant.
yet i pumped myself up
with righteous glory
and lied convincingly
to him, myself, my maker

i am changed,
once good, pure, kind
now described aptly by one true word
LIAR.
i wish i could exorcise that word,
his words
those words from my mind,
their meaning from my vocabulary
but they are mine; i earned them

his roar drowns out every thought,
when i am still.
so i must dance, and spin, and leap
to soften, dim and reduce the power and
the volume of his roar.

not only the sound that rings through the
timeless dimensions of space - sea - land
but also the quiet roar he reserves
for those moments when he turns the knifes slowly, deeply.
softly,
yet with the accuracy of a surgeon.

I WOULD RATHER STARVE
IN AN OCEAN FULL OF FISH
THAN CHANCE UPON
ANOTHER
MERMAID, LIKE YOU

JUSTIFICATION

years ago, sitting in my tiny bed
alone, i redefined my happiness.
my sense of self and self worth.
i swore i would not let demons conquer me.
the hideous writhing evil could only be victorious
if they changed me.
that i, such a tiny mouse,
could triumph, merely, in being myself
ever positive, focused on the future
never thinking of the past or the here and now

believing that my method of protecting myself
when others could not, would not;
see the dead, terrified, eyes of that small, tiny mouse
would be by controlling what is still mine to control
my soul, if not my will.
a dreamer still, not yet crushed and ruined
but being debased, takes its toll i suppose.

on the darkest days i am aware
i have changed -
tonite, i recognize nothing of that tiny child
that mouse, with her pathetic dreams
her pitiful optimism
fanciful hopes
her faith in goodness, moron.

it is clear she i have evolved
into someone
else,
again.
someone who is untrustworthy
a liar
a fake
a hopeful, fanciful idiot

yet no matter what she i become
it is always herman that holds my heart
saves my mind from complete ruin
he distracts me, soothes me
he is a masterful, beast
he is merciful
he is a consumate hunter
and i have poked the lion again and again,
and i cannot outrun him
is he everywhere?
do i really want or even try to
outrun him?

DREAMS & DESIRES

or is this what "this" is?

"come on, you know what this is."
plays in my head
his soft soulful voice
his gentle embrace
soothes me when my guard is down

my fanciful, mind steals seconds away
to recall the taste and smell of him
his lips sliding across mine
the way it felt to be at home
softly inside of him,
and he barely inside of me
slightly,
lightly within his warm, gentle grasp.

i just needed to know
if he was the one
or if he was a fish
when i sought a lion.

he is so much herman
yet he is himself
quiet, thoughtful, strong, complex
masterful, supreme.
a goofball
in the body of a gladiator.
how have i become that girl
kissing and in love with a fool?

Dear Diary, Soulmates?

Today, started like most others.  Woke up at about 5am walked Milo for about 15 minutes, then back home to get things ready for the week.  I have been off my game lately when it comes to being intuitive about romance and the way love spills on people.  Seems like, suddenly, I am meant to be that person that feels attraction, but does not have my finger on the exact place it is pointed, and sadly it has not been pointed at me.

My impulsive nature has not served me well either, and so I am left to ponder what is meant for me.  What is my purpose? who was I made for?  This is possibly the closest I may come to acknowledging my secret belief (hope) that there are soulmates for each of us.  Not many, or more than one, but one true soulmate that we were each designed for, to love, cherish, protect and honor.  That person you bare your soul to not because you want to, or feel obligated to , but because you must.  There is no alternative because failure to maintain that level of intimacy with that one person, would be like sleeping in a rubber suit.  Holding anything back would feel like you were suffocating and therefore you can totally reveal yourself to him or her.

While I have felt intense attraction, affection, love and sometimes even passion for a person, there has never been a living being that intuitively commands me to share my soul with him.  Sometimes, like today, it is exquisitely painful to feel so separate from him.  A regular day, no special events, just a Sunday, that is so obviously devoid of his presence and the joy and peacefulness I know would be in my heart, were he here by my side.  

I often wonder if knowing who he was but not having him would be better than never knowing him at all.  It is a difficult concept to wrap my mind around, because loving a person who may not exist seems delusional and indulgent.  Yet I persist in the notion that he is out there and not just in here, inside of my small, lonely heart.