Exquisitely Painful

ACKNOWLEDGEMENT

i am that girl tonight.
the one who cannot escape.
a victim of her own success.

the woman who is jealous
of the illusion she created,
to ensnare another
and somehow caught herself.  dumb-ass.

a moron,
so tired,
from pathological sleeplessness,
exhausted.
my feet hurt from dancing
yet i cannot remove these red shoes
and i cannot stop the dance
as long as they are firmly on my feet

i wish i could remove myself
and excuse myself.
it would be a relief
to give him what he wants
peace and i'm sure (by now)
quiet.

RATIONALIZATIONS ENVY SHAME

yet i cannot leave him more damaged
than he was when i found him
limping along now,
when his gate was strong, before, if not powerful,
when we first became aware of each other

as i recall how he wooed her,
it kills me,
every breath is a struggle
how attentive he was
his thoughts and heart open,
how accessible he was in his courtship.

the illusion that was more real inside
but not outward - yet he desires the illusion
his passion for her trumps me
stumps me,
devastates me.
his desire for her
allowed his instincts to pull something towards him
quickly, stealthily
a catch unlike any other,
but ewwww
a yucky, mermaid was what he saw in his net
when his appetites were
apparently more for fish

still the mermaid that he reeled in
with the expertise of a professional trawler
sang her song only for him, idiot.
her eyes drinking in his beauty,
his form
his strength

even his obvious weaknesses
did not deter her
from seeing what a rare find he was
indeed
they made him more vulnerable.
lovable.
fuckable.

lions, mice, mermaids, birds
no matter the species
they are incompatible
meant to attract? perhaps.
but, never meant to live together.
be together.
yet we are all made from the same thing
theoretically, right?
soulmates? jackass

my mind winces
as it is
prodded with daggers
lanced with pain and hope.
the hope that he might notice me
and remember i am here, was here,
may remain here
waiting for him,
or at least the me that remains,
what he made me
a shell of that woman,

no longer reminiscent of that powerful dreamer
who beat back the incubus who sought to
capture her, enslave her, manipulate and control her
using her progeny as bait and ransom.

now she is a mere mermaid,
yes she can sing and dance, but whatever.
she sits patiently and anxiously
waiting
that he might lose himself
in her song or her dance
and reveal just a tiny part of what he
now hides and holds in abeyance
just inside of his own skin
until a pretty fish swims by.

FURY

when did breathing and hoping
become more painful than dancing?
even the dance of a fool?
a fat mass of contradictions
too convoluted even for me to grasp.

yet it is more piercing
to think.
more agonizing to use my mind
than breath the dead air of a liar.
more excruciating and humiliating than the dance, even

in thinking,
there is the memory.
memories of what they were
dreams of what could have been.

a devastating remembrance
of him
finally letting lose his sovereign roar
ultimately revealing his anger, humiliation and his pain
his disgust.

i don't trust YOU.  i don't want YOU!
you fucking mermaid
WHERE IS MY GODDAMN
FISH?

god, if you are out there
spare him his pain, the embarrasment i caused.
and please spare me from the vexatious, pain of his words

the idea that i caused him harm
is killing me tonight
how could i?
i am but a mermaid, a mouse
so insignificant.
yet i pumped myself up
with righteous glory
and lied convincingly
to him, myself, my maker

i am changed,
once good, pure, kind
now described aptly by one true word
LIAR.
i wish i could exorcise that word,
his words
those words from my mind,
their meaning from my vocabulary
but they are mine; i earned them

his roar drowns out every thought,
when i am still.
so i must dance, and spin, and leap
to soften, dim and reduce the power and
the volume of his roar.

not only the sound that rings through the
timeless dimensions of space - sea - land
but also the quiet roar he reserves
for those moments when he turns the knifes slowly, deeply.
softly,
yet with the accuracy of a surgeon.

I WOULD RATHER STARVE
IN AN OCEAN FULL OF FISH
THAN CHANCE UPON
ANOTHER
MERMAID, LIKE YOU

JUSTIFICATION

years ago, sitting in my tiny bed
alone, i redefined my happiness.
my sense of self and self worth.
i swore i would not let demons conquer me.
the hideous writhing evil could only be victorious
if they changed me.
that i, such a tiny mouse,
could triumph, merely, in being myself
ever positive, focused on the future
never thinking of the past or the here and now

believing that my method of protecting myself
when others could not, would not;
see the dead, terrified, eyes of that small, tiny mouse
would be by controlling what is still mine to control
my soul, if not my will.
a dreamer still, not yet crushed and ruined
but being debased, takes its toll i suppose.

on the darkest days i am aware
i have changed -
tonite, i recognize nothing of that tiny child
that mouse, with her pathetic dreams
her pitiful optimism
fanciful hopes
her faith in goodness, moron.

it is clear she i have evolved
into someone
else,
again.
someone who is untrustworthy
a liar
a fake
a hopeful, fanciful idiot

yet no matter what she i become
it is always herman that holds my heart
saves my mind from complete ruin
he distracts me, soothes me
he is a masterful, beast
he is merciful
he is a consumate hunter
and i have poked the lion again and again,
and i cannot outrun him
is he everywhere?
do i really want or even try to
outrun him?

DREAMS & DESIRES

or is this what "this" is?

"come on, you know what this is."
plays in my head
his soft soulful voice
his gentle embrace
soothes me when my guard is down

my fanciful, mind steals seconds away
to recall the taste and smell of him
his lips sliding across mine
the way it felt to be at home
softly inside of him,
and he barely inside of me
slightly,
lightly within his warm, gentle grasp.

i just needed to know
if he was the one
or if he was a fish
when i sought a lion.

he is so much herman
yet he is himself
quiet, thoughtful, strong, complex
masterful, supreme.
a goofball
in the body of a gladiator.
how have i become that girl
kissing and in love with a fool?