Romance used to be about the teasing, intensifying, attraction between two people exploring their flirtatious boundaries to create feelings strong enough to build a life upon. Intimacy was cultivated as people, in love, learned to trust, share and open up with each other over time.
How can you build anything when the primary communication tools between dating adults includes; sexting, chatting, or sitting in loud, obnoxious places watching 40 something year old men, who insist on calling themselves, Pretty Ricky, drool over twenty something women as if you are blind and invisible? Is it romantic when your date starts the evening out with questions like, "are those breasts real? Let's go to a grown and sexy party, while holding his head up so you don’t see the hair he sprayed on moments before your date. Or worse you find yourself observing the man you have dated for weeks gets caught in lie after lie and insists it's your insecurities that created a hostile environment leaving him no room for honesty and trust. In other words, your well, honed, skepticism forced him to lie repeatedly because you were simply not sufficiently stupid to be adequately gullible. WTF?!?
Conversely, as romance and intimacy have taken major hits, sex is getting better and better. Whether it's the fact that through Yoga, Pilates and Wii Fit, people are keeping themselves tight, toned and nimble, combined with the saturation of the porn and porn lite culture in our society, these influences have done for sex what the Food Network has done for cooking. People can now research, analyze, practice and master almost any type of lovemaking style or technique. It is not unusual for an otherwise humdrum evening to reach "gourmet" heights after the partners, bored with trying to make small talk in the absence of electronic devices to facilitate the exchange of information, simply fall into bed or wherever and commence to exploring each other's bodies with the zeal of an Iron Chef. “Gourmet Sex” means that it's not enough to simply put out, you have to be adequately prepared, mind, body and soul.
Being prepared, doesn't just mean that your body needs to be in professional athlete condition, your clothes, and hair coiffed and your teeth Zoom whitened and Luminared, it also means removing every, single hair from your body, minus your head, brows and lashes. The use of boiling hot wax works best because today's man or cub is a discerning participant and an errant hair or God forbid stubble, could deflate his desire faster than a pair of granny panties. And speaking of lingerie, it needs to match, thongs or boy-shorts required, be made of silk, satin and lycra, preferably from France. Don't be surprised if your date wants you to perform a bit before the festivities begin, and by perform I literally mean dance. Thanks to all female fitness clubs like Xpose, you can learn how to gyrate around your man during a lap dance or shimmy up and down a pole, seconds before getting down to business.
And in terms of the actual events that may or may not be a part of the evening's activities. And it's not just physical appearance and willingness to do anything and everything, it means talking dirty, sexting dirty, and being proficient at saying things to a person you may have only known 48 hours that people had to pay 900 operators extra for in the 1990's. Just be prepared to put on your A game, ladies and gentleman. Intimate activities previously reserved for a married couples ten year anniversary (use your imagination here) may now be found in the Amuse Bouche section of today's first-date menu.
I don't condone or condemn these new dating requirements; I merely bring them to your attention in the event you are newly single or have been living on an island so you are adequately prepared: if that is even humanly possible. And all of these activities are flawlessly choreographed so that you can spend, one perhaps three evenings with the man or woman of your dreams, or at least reveries until one and or both of you hop on to the next stop on the relationship tour and abandon your current interest because they had the bad taste or luck to have a grooming malfunction, were not up on the latest sexual technique, or goodness forbid lacked the mental acuity or physical dexterity to sex-text while driving and applying make-up and driving their kids to soccer.
Cupid has turned into a randy, fickle, petulant little bastard. And I think it's high time some courageous soul snatched that bow from his hand and rammed down his throat. Or at least perched it on a high counter where he cannot reach it until he is willing to come to terms with love modern style. It doesn't have to be vapors, chocolate and flowers, but it can be intelligent, witty, cosmopolitan, mature adults still sexy enough to use all their years of experience and wisdom for good. If we are truly going to live longer, healthier lives, we have to find a way to have meaningful relationships, or what's the point? If being grown and sexy is something to aspire to then let's stop dating like 15 year olds. I would like to show them how it can be done instead of Farmvilling my way into a Facebook official relationship that makes me wanna murder an infant...
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