Things Change

If we are always growing, it stands to reason our relationships must adapt in response to our continual evolution.  Recently I went out with a friend and his girlfriend.  Now what made this outing a bit unique is the fact that this was a guy I dated.  Not too seriously, but enough to go out to dinner and go on some very fun dates and for me to learn how to make food from his native land of Pakistan, so I could cook him dinner once.  Things between us were... nice.  Not boring, but there was just no "there, there". 

Instead of losing each others numbers and pretending like we did not exist until we stumbled upon each other in this small town, we "decided" to be friends.  And not "just" friends, but true friends.  We made a conscious effort to keep in touch, not just those painful, conversations about what we are doing on any given day, but truly taking an interest in each others lives.  Every couple of weeks or so we would talk, laugh, grab a bite, or a drink. 

After a few months of being in the "friend" zone, it was ok to discuss who were were dating, and everything just grew from there.  This was an entirely new realm.  Can you recycle guys you wanted to date into friends you truly want to hang out with?  I mean sure you can, but should you is the real question.  The answer is a bit complex and depends on the two people involved, and the nature, complexity and depth of the relationship, but it can be done.  I recommend it, in the right situations.  First it enables you to continually evolve by expanding your circle of friends and it allows you to grow by seeing people outside of your original paradigms and learn about yourself and your dating persona. 

This weekend, me and my friend kicked it up a notch by actually going out with him and his "new" girlfriend.  As I prepared for our time together, it was important for me to make a good impression.  First, I am a naturally competitive person, and come on, there was a tiny bit of me that felt like - I want to look good.  Second, he means a lot to me and him trusting me to be with his new girlfriend, was important, I wanted to make a good impression and validate that he was right to trust me with someone who was precious to him.  The event was made more complicated by the fact that she and I would be alone together for the first couple hours before he could get off work and meet us, and the fact that I was deep in PMSland and not feeling my best what with the bloating, nausea, headache and all...

The good news is she was nice, a real sweetheart and pleasant to be around.  She was kind of in a weird place because I don't think he gave her sufficient information about our history, but even without it she was very sweet and friendly.  We had a good time and it was not awkward other than that normal social awkwardness that is present as people meet and get to know one another. 

So the point here is, every date does not have to be an interview for a boyfriend or husband, and every boyfriend does not have to be a husband.  Relationships should be used to explore how you can best interact with a person.  Sometimes you know right away, which category the person is in, Lover, or FWB (friend with bens), or The ONE.  Most times it takes a while to know exactly what role, if any, the person will play in your life.  By remaining openly observant, and treating people with affection, respect and kindness, any relationship can morph into something pleasantly unexpected. 

I take pride in remaining friends with past lovers, boyfriends, and knowing that there are enough mutual feelings and respect to want to remain in each others lives.  Things change, people evolve and the one constant should be the way you treat the people you care for, even when the nature of the relationship turns into something unexpected.

Are You Trying Too Hard?

Relationships are supposed to be about give and take, right? But if you are always giving and your lover is always taking... is it a healthy relationship? I used to think that love was what each person made it. Some people are givers and others are takers. If a giver meets a taker - perfecto! But that is just not a sign of compatibility as much as enabling poor behaviors.


First, it feels good to give, really good. When you make the time and effort to get something very special for the people in your life, who matter, the feelings of joy you feel inside when they first see it, hold it in their hands, ooh and ahh over it (no matter how big or small) means so much. The warmth inside of you as their eyes light up as they realize you "get them" you know them well enough and love them sufficiently to get them the “perfect” gift is a delicious feeling. No one should go without that feeling, and the more you truly care for someone the more you want to experience it. So if you are with someone who only takes from you and never gives (or rarely gives) they are missing that feeling of joy and generosity.

Also takers take. They are usually, users, who drain you and others because they are so filled with themselves they don’t understand what it takes to focus on others long enough to even know what they may want. When you deal with people like this long enough, you are usually left feeling inadequate and confused. As though everything you tried failed and you are left with this frustrated feeling inside. It’s because deep down you did not give for the right reasons and they did not take for the right reasons. You gave because you wanted them to see something - sometimes it's how much you love them, how much they mean to you or even that you can make them happy and fill up the empty places they have inside of themselves.

Trust me; people who use others and take all the time have lots and lots of empty feelings and spaces inside. They see you and all the others they take from as fillers, not real people with desires and hopes or love in their hearts to share and give. Rather they see you as just another alternative to the void of their own empty existence. They have problems and if they are self aware they will tell you all about them. Why they are as screwed up as they are. But trust me, many times that is just a tactic; a method that allows them to continue to use you up, while they move through people like locust consuming crops. These tactics are useful to the users in the world because it abates their own tiny consciences because they feel vindicated. First they told you they were ff’ed up so everything they do that is hurtful is on “you” from now on. Second, it’s not their fault, because they were damaged and no one should expect them to act differently.

Today's topic though is not about those people, who they are, why they behave the way they do, how to fix them... those ideas will not be explored in this post. In this post, I would like to explore why we (and I say we deliberately) try so hard to give to people who truly don't deserve it. Why we bang our head against the walls of men and women who clearly could care less and do not have the capacity to give or receive love. Love in and of itself is a gift. It enables you to share your time, your mind, spirit and heart with another person. It is more precious than material things and it should be cherished, nurtured, protected by those with whom we share it. When we just hand our love over to people who don't care or know what to do with it we waste it. And contrary to popular belief there is not a limitless supply of unrequited love to share. Eventually, even the most tenacious, generous, positive people become bitter and angry in the face of relentless one sided relationships.

You cannot make another person love you, or desire you, or even see you (notice you). I cannot tell you how invisible I feel sometimes when I am with a man, that I care for and all he sees is his past or other women who certainly will never care for him the way that I do. But that is my pathology, not his. That is me tricking myself into believing if I can just give more, love harder, be more available, generous, whatever, he will see, me. The sadness and loneliness that exists within me when I try to get his attention and hope against hope that maybe, finally he will notice I have been here all along, with all this love to share.

It's not his fault, but I end up trying too hard. I turn myself inside out, trying to make him happy, trying to make him love me, or even just to see me beyond what he can get out of me. Sadly, it never works. They move on, or I move on, and here I am left with the bitterness and loneliness of knowing, it is my fault for trying to love a person that was not loveable. I don't mean they do not deserve love, just that they don't deserve (my) love. That can be true for many of us. The reasons may vary, perhaps they are already in love with another, or they are too broken to express love in a healthy manner, or they simply don't love you, in return, and never will.

We have to stop wasting our love and efforts on the un-loveable and people who don't appreciate it. We have to recognize the value of our feelings and our capacity to give love and then find people who are ready for what we are offering and want to return it just as good as they get it. Giving love is incredible, but receiving love from someone you truly care for is awesome too. I believe it is possible to have a healthy relationship that includes intense passion, chemistry, friendship, and compatibility. But it takes time, patience and we must maintain our own self esteem and recognize we are valuable, worthy, people who deserve real love and true happiness. It is only possible to the extent we are willing to sacrifice what we want (the takers) for what we need, people who love us back, that we will find the healthiest love we can experience. I want healthy, joyful, passionate love. Don’t you think I deserve that? I believe you do, too!