True Beauty

true beauty runs deep
because it starts on the inside
it doesn't hide
behind glamour or guile.

it is right there
in the open
so you can stare at it
for a while.

you will know it
when you see it
because beauty is not merely on the face
it is in the posture,
the soul,
the heart.
and about more than style
it is about grace.

when you see true beauty
don't close your eyes,
don't turn away.
rather open your heart
and let its warmth
steal your breath away.
because that type of presence
is not something
any of us
get to experience
everyday.

friends

it is pretty often when i think about you

hoping all is well

wishing i could tell... you

a secret or two

remembering smiles and laughter shared

thinking how random 

it is that we paired... up

friendship opens you up

changes your heart

helps you find love

confirms you are a part... of the world

and even though 

we don't

talk every day

it doesn't mean i don't 

have shit to say

that you would find hilarious, boring or sad

you touched my heart

you made me mad

so when i see your smile

or think of your voice

when a red headed girl walks in front of me

my little heart will rejoice

especially if she sounds a little like you do

all i can think about

for a time is you.

Try again and again and again...

Life is hard.  That is not a revelation but sometimes it's important to remember, it is not meant to be easy.  Easy is for sissy's.  When we feel like there is no where to turn, no one on our side, that we are fighting invisible demons all alone, that is the moment to remember, life is hard.  Don't hate yourself if you stumble, if you let go for a moment, if you need to take a breath.  

And even though life is hard, don't imagine that you are not meant to be happy, fulfilled, loved and filled with joy.  Life wants you to succeed, but you need to understand that life is more meaningful when you overcome the challenges.  So these hurdles, whether they be personal, romantic, physical, professional are not meant to break us but to build us up.  We better understand who we are when we rise, when we overcome, when we succeed in the face of enormous odds.   It's not about the challenges, not about the people and obstacles that are placed before us - rather it is always about our response to them.  So don't hesitate to re-invent, recreate or renew yourself.

When you are feeling alone, when you can imagine quitting and it seems better than fighting, when you start to forget all of your blessings, when you feel like the other side just has to be a better place, dig deep, reach inside your secret soul, the place only you know exists inside of yourself -  look into the abyss, and kick its ass!

A Change is Coming

"Your most profound and intimate experiences of worship will likely be in your darkest days- when your heart is broken, when you feel abandoned, when you are out of options, when the pain is great-and you turn to God alone.  At those moments you are truly ready to grow"

That quote is good to remember because we have to remember, even as children, growing is painful.  Whether a child is getting new teeth, getting taller, young girls becoming women there seems to be this connection between growth and pain, real physical pain.  So if that connection exists there must be a reason, and perhaps it is to ensure that we appreciate the opportunity to grow, and do not take it for granted, or become distracted by something that prevents us from evolving.  If we believe that pain is important for physical growth, then it must be doubly so for spiritual growth.  But the good news is that the pain is actually preparation for the growth, teeth push through gums so you can eat more robust, more fulfilling meals, bones stretching expanding so that you can bear more weight and stand tall and strong, and old relationships disintegrating to create awareness that we need to change and prepare ourselves for new, hopefully, healthier, permanent lovers that have yet to come.

Spirituality seems to always be about balance - the ying and the yang.  Lessons in humility usually come from the embarrassment of hubris, if you want to learn charity, seek to be more generous, so it should come as no surprise that lessons on love may be derived from feelings of hate, abandonment and hurt.  If we are self aware, honest about our motivations and behaviors we will SEE, UNDERSTAND and GROW.  Lessons that seem repetitive and painful usually mean we failed to grow when we had other chances in the past.  So we are given more chances, more pain, to allow us to see and understand our unhealthy patterns and hopefully, change and grow.

This is what I believe.  My faith is based on the idea that life is about constant growth, evolution and improvement, with opportunities to redeem ourselves and others along the way.  There are so many things about God and religion that confuse and frighten me.  Yet I was never closer to God than when my father died.  By far the saddest time period in my life and I was compelled to speak to God, longer, more often and with more specificity and awareness of his power and his glory than ever before or since.  In fact, it is those times when my heart is so heavy that I look for God everywhere.  So perhaps it's time for you to stop looking for the person who hurt you and who is not capable of giving you what you need to be the person you want to be and look to God for your next steps.  I do not write that cavalierly, but seriously because it seems like we all get so "distracted" and need to wake up, focus and envision the desired path to whatever reality we want to be a part of in our future.  

We must ask ourselves, are we serious people focused on developing the skills, traits and qualities that will enable us to unlock our fullest potential, or just people destined to be unenlightened and unfulfilled.  I know it's hard to move beyond heartache, but ask yourself what does your heart ache for, because many times the person you yearn for never existed.  If you were lied to, preyed upon, used and misled by a person ill equipped to be in any type of serious relationship.  How could you miss that? - the relationship (built on lies and deception) and the person (who never revealed his or her true face, true motives, and personality to you).  It may be that you miss the promise of what could have been, but you must move beyond that now, because that is the same as wishing for a fantasy.  Prepare yourself for your destiny, become more self-aware, be honest with yourself about who you are and what you must do to grow, stop wasting time indulging in the daydreams about a person who never existed.  Try to understand what motivates you to make the romantic choices that you have made and stop this unhealthy cycle.  Only when you are ready to accept what you do to contribute to your own unhappiness will you be able to move forward with purpose.

DO YOURSELF A FAVOR

One of the most important lessons, I believe, you learn when you have been hurt and betrayed, is forgiveness.  It may seem overly simplistic, but many times the real message is the simplest one.  We - men and women, create complexity to hide the fact that we want to do - what we want to do.  When my head is clear, and my mind is not cluttered by infatuation, romance, anger, boredom, loneliness and pain, it is easier to remember that life's struggles can be organized into categories which help you identify their origin. The categories, in simplest terms, are good vs evil and order vs chaos you could even add light vs dark. Though the struggles can be very complex and sometimes painful, as you look at your life and the choices you make ask yourself, are these feelings of God?  At my core, in my soul do I feel good about what is happening and is the path clear?  

Conversely, when I am actively engaged in living my life, it is important to ask yourself, "am i indulging in or excusing behavior (in myself or others) that is not good?  am i indulging in or excusing activities (in myself or others) that create chaos?"  Evil and chaos are distractions, their purposes are to challenge you away from God's plan for you.  His plan may be complex, difficult, time-consuming and painful, but it will NEVER be evil, dark or chaotic.  In fact, many times it is beautiful, fun, exciting, thrilling and wonderful.  You don't have to make excuses for God's plan because it is intuitive.  

That means it should FEEL right, familiar, in ways that cannot be faked or beguiled - we are given free will but we are also given the ability to KNOW when we stand in God's light.  When you have to duck, hide and maneuver, argue, make excuses, lie, hide, convince, persuade to feel God's presence - When there is chaos, confusion, suffering, you are fooling yourself or being fooled.  So look out for those things in your future, and when you see them understand that you are moving away from your path.  If a person or persons are at the center of these feelings and actions you are actively being pulled from your path.

So how do you find your path and stay on it?  I'm not sure, maybe we can help each other with that one.  I believe the more you are at peace, meditate, open yourself, question your motives and get to the core of who you are - without harming or limiting others the closer you are to the answer.  When you find yourself wandering off the path, fight like a tiger to get back on it.  Partner with a true friend (don't forget God is always a willing and true friend), who you know has a pure heart and an open mind; work together for each other.  Remind each other that you need them to fight temptation and bad habits to find the true light and get back on your road to spiritual fulfillment.  The problem with distractions is that they usually hide a mess, that you made.  They are people and activities you allow into your life that prevent you from what you are supposed to be focusing on to grow.

Your willingness to turn a blind eye, and place these distractions above your course is a symptom of your issue not others.  Many times we run from our own fulfillment, our destiny because we don't feel deserving, we have to fight these feelings of insecurity and improve our self esteem.  We have to stop trying to fix others, our lovers, husbands, children, siblings, and friends.  When you are hurt and betrayed by another person again and again it is because you refuse to acknowledge your own limitations, not theirs.  You cannot fix people.  You can help those who truly want to be helped, appropriately, but you cannot fix them.  It is counter productive to be angry or demonize them or blame them for the years YOU chose to spend trying to solve problems too immense for you in the first place.    

When someone harms you - when YOU allow someone to harm you, you must forgive them and you must forgive yourself.  Because until you do so, the source of your pain, anger and frustrations will DISTRACT you from your purpose.   All of those negative feelings and emotions pull you away from the inner-peace, love and wisdom you need to follow your path.  You cannot maintain an open heart and mind, when you are focused on anger, confusion, desperation and pain.  

To help yourself grow, learn and become more self aware you must let go of the people who create those emotions.  As you do, you let the feelings associated with the betrayal and pain go too.  It seems hard, but it is much, much easier than you would imagine.  The reason it is easy is because when you release the feelings and forgive the person you release them into God's hands.  The truth is there is nothing YOU can do for a person who has so little self respect and integrity they would so egregiously harm a person who only wanted to love and cherish them.  That person is a tortured soul who requires the direct, powerful, imminent intervention of God's love.  All you can do is forgive them and pray they find the ability to accept God's grace.  But you are not omnipotent nor do you have the power, ability or wisdom to do what God's plan has not yet seen fit to do - intervene.  In truth your absence from their life may be a part of God's plan for them.  There is but one thing for you to do, stay in your lane.  YOU need to be humble, and YOU need to understand that any intervention you make is misplaced arrogance.  Arrogance because you knowingly and willingly move away from your path to solve problems that you are not equipped to fix.  

The distractions of FIXING people beyond your realm only serves to remove your focus.  Your focus must remain on the thoughts, prayers, activities, actions and behaviors you are truly meant to have in this life.  And your focus on others, with such serious, self inflicted problems, prevents you from being there to assist those meant for you who walk your path with you.  They are your family, children, true friends and your true soul mate.  Honor God by honoring yourself - allow yourself to forgive completely and remove yourself from those preoccupations because until you do so your focus is not of God, and not for God, it is for yourself and your pride and ego.  

So I say - Forgive, but most importantly remove yourself and those you care about from the person who has proven they are not worthy of you, NOT a part of your path, other than to illuminate your pattern of attraction for distractions.  Learn the LESSON - don't stray from your path to satisfy your pride and ego.  Find the goodness, peace and order that will move you to the next level.  I truly believe we can all find spiritual growth, but first we must work on ourselves, personally, professionally, intellectually.  When you see an aberration for what it is and stop reacting to your life and reacting to the the lives and actions of others you begin to  understand your path, where you are meant to go - God will help you discern how to get there.  Remember reacting always put you at a disadvantage because you are constantly on the defensive.  You are living your life based on another person's actions, plans and goals, not your own.

You have such incredible potential, but when you limit your opportunities with distractions, you stay busy rather than focused.  A person who is self aware is one who knows where they are going, understands their limitations are merely opportunities to grow and has a vision and a tactical plan to achieve his or her goals.  A person with a strong, realistic, vision for his or her life has the equipment to fight and reject distractions, they fight with their sense of purpose and resolve, with the surety that they on walking on the one path in this universe meant for them.  It may intersect with others but it is theirs alone.  That road is clear of diversions, and a pure heart and open mind are what is needed to stay true to the course  When someone harms you - no matter how deliberate, how painful how egregious,   See it for what it is - an opportunity to illuminate YOUR flaw, a chance to regain your footing, a bright light shining on your mistakes so you cannot overlook them and hopefully not repeat them.  

This was NEVER about them, they were merely a vehicle used to help you see what you need to overcome to grow.  Pray for them, place them and their problems into God's hands, forgive them and remove them from your life so you may live as God intended you live.

DEDICATION:  Chocolate

NOT ONE SECOND BEFORE JUSTICE

I WILL NOT REST

I WILL NOT FALTER

MY FOCUS CLEAR

NO RHETORIC MAY ALTER

THE VOICE WELLING UP INSIDE

OF MY THROAT

FIRST A WHISPER

NOW A SCREAM

THIS IS AMERICA; 
WHERE IS OUR DREAM?