Turning The Page As Friends

i 

Y O U R   A P P E A L

you were the first man i truly, trusted

i believed in you, your goodness

your sense of fairness

your gentleness

the way you support the people you love

the way you took care of your family,

your incredible generosity toward me.

perhaps it was because 

our first interactions were not blurred

by the hazy gauze of infatuation.

i never confused my feelings for you

when we met.

first there was disdain, curiosity, appreciation 

trepidation and then finally, affection.

there was never the mind numbing passion that blinds you

to a person's faults.  

so i was utterly convinced, i knew you; what you were capable of.

i thought,

you were damaged, but not broken

misguided; but not lost

and you seemed to be this immovable rock

that shielded your little family

from the elements 

and always had an internal compass

that was my north star.

my good fortune 

came with you.

i don't know whether it was merely luck

or if your calm, quiet strength 

finally gave me the stability i needed to shine

but we were an incredible team.

yet, it did not seem as though romantic love

was in the cards for us.

i had experienced a whisper of it, personally

and bore witness to it in my parents daily interactions

and honestly, the pain, drama and intensity of it

scared me shitless.

so while i knew what we had

was no where close to that type of love

i was relieved and content, and assumed you were too.

whenever there was a opportunity

to nurture love

romantic love

it seemed to me, you squashed it. 

whether deliberately or not - you made it impossible for me to love you.

early on there were moments when we would go to bed together

and you would open your arms

and i would slide inside and feel so incredibly safe, loved and protected.

then just as a little love seedling took root 

your lies, deceit, inability to accept

responsibility for your misdeeds

left me incapable of opening myself to you

in a manner necessary to give or receive

romantic love - at least the kind i want

while i know you believe you love me,

i don't believe you have the capacity to truly

know and understand me.

not that i am complicated - 

just that you seem determined to see me as you choose

rather than how i am.  

and no matter how much you want to

you cannot love what you cannot understand.

and you should not.

T H R O W I N G   S T O N E S

it was this lack of understanding,

which caused you to act out rather than simply talk to me.

your sophomoric desires to feel like a playa aside,

i was never really threatened by your cheating.

i hated the lying because it made having conversations with you

seem like a waste of time

yet, i saw your ridiculousness

as amusing - never devastating

the women were like gnats flying around my face

annoying but hardly a threat

at least not a threat to the thing about us

that i cherished the most

our friendship, our family, our little team

i distracted myself with the girls

my work

my other friends.

though, i was offended that your shenanigans were so obvious.

it is likely that my lack of possessiveness 

was due to the lack of romantic love i felt toward you, 

or simply the manner, in which, i was raised, 

that bohemian childhood

filled with artists, musicians, poets

constantly vacillating between extremes in emotion, passion and disdain

could have  prevented me from 

seeing infidelity as the fracturing event 

many women feel it to be.

however, what was shattering

was your inability to keep these

interactions from my life with you, our family, our team.

that left me frustrated, angry and disgusted.

no friend would do that to another - it was disrespectful.

also, you just seemed so incompetent,

and given the amount of practice you had,

that was disappointing

and ultimately caused such disillusionment 

i could no longer see you as a man, and certainly not my man.

i could trust you to have my back.

it was that utter failure to protect

your family from your bullshit

that created such toxicity no romantic love could

grow or blossom.  

our lives together seemed to simply 

go on,

without a true purpose, 

as we fretted over 

the girls, my mom, your mom.

the distractions were real and significant - 

we were in trouble 

and in retrospect it began years before either of us realized it.

our baby moving to florida, 

your mom's cancer, her death.

my mom's heart disease

my mom's cancer

job changes: reorganizations, promotions, constant traveling

the exhaustion created by managing and coaching our little team

created an avalanche of diversions.

A   W A T E R S H E D   M O M E N T

but suddenly, finally, in one instant, during a conversation

with a random, anonymous person on an airplane

everything i subconsciously and intuitively knew

became glaringly apparent.

we were not well suited in marriage.

i did not and do not blame you solely,

i saw my part -

my need to feel safe 

surpassed my desire to feel loved, when we met.

i can see now,

that for you, my love was something ever on the horizon

to aspire to, 

rather than something, 

i gave freely

something you could depend on from day one, 

as solely belonging to you

and only you.

my inability to love and cherish you as a husband

created a fertile ground for your resentments and frustration, 

and i know i hurt you.  

never on purpose; 

but because i hoped my friendship would be more valuable to you

as your friendship was much more valuable to me than your love.

i can see now how this misguided hypothesis caused so many problems for us.

how could you know i was terrified 

of passionate love

that i had born witness to horrific disastrous events 

in the name of passion and romantic love.

i had seen others dole out and destroy each other over romance and passion

throughout my childhood.

as you became more blatant in your escapades,

i became less tolerant

and eventually, 

i ceased to see you as a man,

a partner, 

a valuable person

a true friend.

my dismissal of your needs and concerns, 

my need to focus on work 

rather than us

my ego taking precedent over your resentments 

and your desperate need for acknowledgement

sabotaged us

at a time when we needed to be strong together.

you were in trouble,

i was in trouble and 

our team was in trouble.

C O N F R O N T A T I O N S  A N D   F I N G E R P O I N T I N G

and as i saw my future with you

without the possibility for deeper love

i tried to talk with you about it.

but your emotionally driven tirades, frightened me, paralyzed me

so i became silent and hostile.

i observed you with cool disdain

and waited for you come to the conclusion i had arrived at some time ago;

we were not well suited.

i assumed your infidelities were a testimony to your unconscious belief in that truth

it seemed impossible anyone could be so ineffectual 

and still want to maintain his marriage, 

in my forced silent hostility,

i saw you as incompetent and pathetic

and in my inability to respect your effectiveness

your adequacy in sustaining a marital relationship

i lost my any and all of my attraction for you and

began to look for the qualities i desired in others.

not specific people, and not directly

merely observations that helped me puzzle together my perfect mate.

i did not seek to be with others

it was just that i could begin to clearly see unique, important qualities i required 

which had been hidden or camouflaged by my fear of actually allowing myself to fall in love.

i had always felt superior to mere mortals, falling in love, looking for soul-mates

but now my soul cried out for more, for someone.

for the first time in my life - i craved passionate love

more than the stability you offered.

at first those qualities were vague

but a buried memory of a childhood fable, created by my dad and i,

crystallized them; and herman was born.

my feelings of righteousness 

allowed me to believe that you should 

finally be made to tolerate my search for happiness

quietly, and without jealousy.

i never considered you loved me

especially since i was feeling less and less like you knew me,

or even liked me.

F A K E   I T   T I L L   Y O U   M A K E   I T

it honestly never occurred to me 

that even the dissolution of our marriage

would result in the end of our friendship.

i was frustrated, pissed off, yet still i could understand

why you would cheat and lie.

i could empathize with the origins of your resentments

you may recall my naive efforts 

to move us from marriage to friendship

the counselling - the shared living discussions -

the national family resilience center

the collaborative divorce and mediation requests

you see, i still believed in you

your potential for goodness, for fairness

naively, i gave you my holy trinity of trust 

that thus far i had only extended to my 

beloved childhood friends - 

absolute loyalty, absolute faith in your goodness, and the benefit of the doubt about anything.

F R I E N D S;   T H E   O N L Y   T H I N G   Y O U   G E T   T O   C H O O S E

for me friendship is something i value more than love and sex

for me love is frightening

romance is complicated

sex is functional 

family is never what it seems

but friendship is everything.

friendship is the one thing

i always got to choose, 

in my life, the only thing, really.

at first i was too cautious, too selective

and my friends bored me... 

so as an only child, i spent most of my earliest childhood years alone,

reading or creating my own little reality.

O P I N I O N S   F O R M E D   E A R L Y;   L A S T   A   L I F E T I M E 

then i met wendy, 

she was four years old, born with a hole in her heart,

she had a wicked sense of humor and a perspective on life

that was quirky, scary and funny.

she was one of my first real friends.

everything about her, compelled me to know her more.

the day we met, i almost drowned.

my father was getting high with a friend, and left me by the pool

i fell into the water and had to be cpr'd back to life: true story.

my dad and his friend (wendy's father) swore us to secrecy

and so we had all the things that make a relationship powerful

an emotional start - a shared secret - lots of those, actually

and we never knew each other long enough to let petty grievances

cloud our adoration for each other.  

she died, four months after we met,

i was already feeling pretty disenfranchised, 

at five years old, i had already experienced blatant racism,

oppression, when i was kicked out of kindergarten.

it was during the months my father was supposed to be taking me to a new school

that i met wendy.  

she was the daughter of one of my father's friends

her dad was this former black panther, who only dated white women,

my father met while attending howard university,

to me he was just the crazy smelly guy who sold my dad drugs. 

since they shared drugs, alcohol and models

they were always together.

at that time, my mom was working full time,

my dad was trying to be a poet/photographer

but mostly he was my caregiver...

so, wendy and i spent a considerable amount of time together

at doctors offices, hospitals, in her room.

her mom, took off when she found out about her health problems

so her father was all she had.

wendy and i bonded, 

she became my little world, and i wanted to help her

but i did not understand how or what i could do.

mostly, we would talk, read, or sometimes 

just hold hands.

in that short time, i learned i could trust her with my deepest, darkest secrets

and i had a lot, even at five.

she was the first person i told about my invisible friend

she was the only person i told about a lot of things

and she made me feel like a good person, when i had always felt

so crappy before. 

she gave me the nickname mouse.

i loved her as much as i ever loved anyone, 

she was my first real friend.

she taught me that friends are the thing - 

not your family - not adults - or adult relationships

but your friends are the people you select to be in your life, your choice.

i guess the good news was that there was no long, sad, deathbed scene

it never occurred to me that wendy might or even could die.

i realized she was sick, but her dying was not really something i considered.

i knew she would get down sometimes so i learned to be funny.

i read p.g. wodehouse and watched monty python

so my humor was urbane to say the least.

but she loved it, so

i learned to make people laugh

especially when i was terrified, sad or embarrassed,

or something horrible had happened or was about to happen.

and she taught me to value friendship above 

any other interaction. 

F R I E N D S   A R E   T H E   T H I N G

i realized 

friends make you whole.

friends fill you up 

when you, feel as though, have nothing in your soul

but pain and fear

a friend can come along

and help you find laughter

they can shine a light 

on your darkest hour.

i learned that the quirkier they are

the more damaged, afraid, or isolated they seem 

the more the person understands 

how important a real friend can be

so they value the friendship - 

and that makes the entire interaction worthwhile.

and when your friends are damaged, 

you can let your freak flag fly high.

O U R   S T O R Y

when we met there was no real physical attraction for me

part of that was due to the fact that i was seriously rebounding from a failed engagement,

you were the first man i did not love

when he entered my body.

and though it would be dishonest to say i fell in love with you,

i learned to love things about you, because we were friends.

i, first, valued you because you reminded of my dad - 

damaged, intelligent, flawed and ineffectual but well intentioned.

like him i attributed many of your problems to early childhood events

that marred an otherwise beautiful soul.

you helped me feel something i never 

fully comprehended

pride in my accomplishments, without fear of failure

safety and security at home

we gave our little team such a nice, strong start.

for a moment, i had big hopes about a real american-style future,

an american future was something i abhorred and craved my entire early life.

it seemed like every moment with you

was a journey upward

you were my lucky rock and we were

"movin on up" together;

a team.  

finally i had my own little team

people i could cheer for, win with, who were in my corner

you seemed like someone who looked at me 

and saw who i really was, 

a man i could believe in.

and i did believe in you, your accomplishments. 

i wanted to be such a good wife and mother for you.

i wanted to give you all of the love and affection you seemed to have missed.

i felt privileged to be your wife.

sharing my life with you seemed effortless, there was no drama, initially.

sharing my success was easy because it always seemed like our success.

every promotion seemed like something we achieved together because you made me stronger, 

you helped me feel confident and allowed me to soar.

sharing my family and friends, because you had so few made me proud of our little team.

and eventually my love for you and missy ma'am was the greatest gift i had to give you.

and i gave it all to you; in abundance, without reservation.

when you lied to me,

cheated, 

attempted to manipulate me,

abused my trust and my kindness

tried to steal my team

i forgave you.

not because i was in love with you

but because you were my friend.

and for me friendship is 

everything, because it is the one thing

i always get to choose.

i have been forced to do many things

but never to make a friend, that is only for me to decide.

in my forgiveness i found understanding

i understood how hard it must have been

for you, loving a women - me

whom you did not seem to like.

a women who did not seem to need you or want you.

a women who was rarely physically present

and even less so emotionally, because of my own demons.

so i forgave your lies.

i forgave your cheating.

i tried to forgive you for breaking up our little team

even though it was the only one i ever had

and the one we created together.

i tried to find a new way for us to exist

in this world, as friends.

but you went too far

your lies became legion

your manipulations cruel, abusive and viscous

you showed me that you never

understood

love, family, teams, and friendship

that you were pretending

even if you didn't realize it yourself

even if you still don't.

you did something no friend of mine has ever done

you made me wish you were not here

in my life, 

in our home,

on this earth.

 

i hated your every breath

not because of the lies and the cheating

but because you refused

to accept your part

your role

your blame.

you showed me that when you look into the abyss

instead of finding the soul of a man

i could be proud of

i could forgive

i could call my friend

you showed me the soul 

of a traitorous, weak, selfish, violent, scurrilous, opprobrious 

coward.

falling is not a crime; 

we all fall down.

your crime is that

each time you could have and should have risen;

elevated yourself

you defiled our friendship

your depravity and inability to truly see 

yourself, in those moments; accept your part

made you a sniveling, pathetic shell of a person

i could never, ever be in love with.

i fought like my demons to save myself, my family

and now what was left of our broken, little team.

even while my own weaknesses

swirled all around me

they teased and taunted me

they terrified me, paralyzed me.

i realized how much i counted on you - needed you to be a better man

in theory - my belief in who you are in this world

and in practicum - the reality of your actions and behaviors 

toward the people who loved, believed and trusted you

more than any others in the world.

my demons threatened me, the same as you.

because i understood more than most what men are capable of

what they do when no one is watching - what they try to get away with

i tried to make smart decision, safe ones

yet you morphed into a stranger before my eyes

and it was clear i had no idea what YOU were capable of

you were the abyss - 

you, who i had put all my faith, hope and trust in

you became my greatest enemy, assailant, adversary.

still, i tried to face the abyss,

alone

with courage and grace.

i tried to make him proud

make him see that i will always be

the only me

inside of me - that i can be

what he raised me to be - 

happy - kind - good - fearless - astute - profound

that no one could change me - not even when the darkness came back

that even in the face of the ultimate depravity

i could pass the "when you look into the abyss test"

that in those infinite moments

of shame, terror and hopelessness 

that YOU caused, invented, expanded

i would still see ME

my goals

my beliefs

my values

and i did

i faced it and i did not allow you and the darkness to make me a worse person

i did not allow the abyss to become an excuse for deplorable behavior,

though i did change, 

in fact, sometimes i am barely recognizable.

when i emerged from the darkness a bit bruised, battered, but not broken

not lost at all.  

instead i found the most important thing

my voice, my spirit, my sensuality

my power.

i learned lessons that were heretofore

conceptual at best, those cliches that lack value 

until you live through them, 

like

time heals all wounds

the fact is time is a great balm

its passive motion forward

moves you away from the acutely, 

cumbersome burdens of anger, hatred and vengeful thoughts.

time can help you remember things

useful, nebulous concepts

that pain and emptiness make you forget.

as you allow yourself to be healed

to release the acrid, loathing

and let go of negativity

you find your own salvation

your own unique state of grace.

you remember who you are meant to be

in this world and the next

things that no one person in any one dimension 

should be given the power to usurp and take away from you.

H A P P I N E S S   I S   A   C H O I C E   Y O U   H A V E   T O   M A K E   E V E R Y  D A Y

and just like that... i began to feel free

my thoughts lighter, more expansive

my words, softer, kinder, more full of vision and ideals

and my deeds more about others 

and less about myself.

i remember it is within each of us 

to absolve, redeem and nurture

those who truly need it, and 

the ability to do that makes the world a better place.

if the kingdom of heaven is at hand,

then our ability to forgive is one of the keys to heaven.

it is not just about the small, easy to forgive transgressions

but those things accurately described as untenable, unforgivable,

because those are transgressions would be most difficult, represent the most hurt

yet the most useful to absolve.

mercy, grace, and redemption create the healthiest foundation for a new start - a new day - a new life.

remember that quote from dr. martin luther king, jr.  “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy"  

forgiveness and courage must be applied to our most challenging opportunities to truly test us - so i forgave you - i forgive you.

new friends; new activities, new goals

helped me find fulfillment, even joy

and remember that life without mercy is calculated, empty and limiting.

learning from the past,

yet still moving forward, deliberately, intently, happily

helped me find an inner strength - my own unique, resolve

when i was forced to my knees

with grief, regret and the magnitude of your betrayal.

and it though it would be nice,

sadly, my growth did not come from 

some altruistic capacity laying dormant within me. 

it was driven by a very specific practical concern, our children.

teaching a child about the world:

what it is, how to live,

teaching children about life is a parents privilege and obligation.

it is a large reason, parenthood, must not be entered into lightly 

because you must be prepared to teach and live

the life you want for your children, your family, friends

your team.

so even though your actions were vile and hateful

regardless of the fact that you failed to accept your role

your accountabilities, then and now

and in case you did not catch it the first time,

i forgave you 

for all that you did.

again, not because i am a saint

but driven again by imminent, practical concerns

i forgave you because when i was desperate, and isolated, hopeless

you helped me.

you did not have to, but you did - and i am so grateful,

because not being able to forgive you was killing me inside, each day.

you helped us begin to heal - 

your kindness, your compassion, given freely, unexpectedly

gave us the momentum, to try to become friends again.

you showed me that i was not a blind, stupid fool

who married, had children with and built a life with a man she never knew

you showed me remnants of the person 

i first invited to be my friend.

and i was appreciative, and i started to trusted you, again, the summer of 2010.

yet, regardless of time, it seems our communication is still one of our largest hurdles.

i say something,

you hear something else

i mean something, 

you infer something else.

in the end, i guess it boils down to the fact that

we all believe what we chose to believe, what suits us.

i believed you were once again, the person i hoped you were when we first met

not the aberration you became.  

yet, even while i was deluding myself...

and explaining to you that your previous actions 

erased any hope for a romantic relationship between us.

rather, that it was my sincere desire to begin again over,

as friends, if that was possible.

i came to you and you welcomed me 

and i hoped, i truly hoped we could be 

stronger people, better parents, because i wanted my friend back.

but the darkness within you is significant, and it is still there, hidden.

that opaqueness that clouds your judgment,

the blackness that spreads around you when you look into the abyss

is, apparently, never far from where you are

and maintains its power over who you are.

you confuse kindness with love

affection with passion,

and compassion and gratitude with romance.

you seek to manipulate rather than

simply enjoy special moments.

always looking for a way to gain favor

your actions still dark and depraved

focused on making sure you appear right and good

that you are perceived justifiable as you walk through life

with your eyes wide shut.

if it matters, you are a great father, when you choose to be

you have it within you to rebuild all that you sought to destroy.

but it must come from the goodness within your heart

not a desire to be SEEN as good.

because when it comes from within, external forces

will never change who you are, and we need you to be strong.

so while i have never written to you

or about you

other than as a cautionary tale

let me be clear - 

marriage - to me is the ultimate team sport

it is a joining of spirits

forces, worlds.

it means as we walk through life,

i am not behind him 

with my head down

or in front of him leading the way

but my mate and i are either side by side or back to back.

side by side, hands united is our demonstration 

of unity, compatibility, evolution and love

as we move forward, together as one.

it means that when we face the world and the world is our opponent,

when the world gets scary

the back to back position is the safest because it is only necessary

for each of us to look forward -

because our mate is behind us watching and on alert for any harm 

that may come to our little team.

the ultimate trust is to submit to him

something that i desperately long to do with my mate

because my submission

is my gift.

if there is a man on this earth that can help me to submit

myself to him, it is the one for which i was made - 

the rib that was used to create me for this world

and while i can now clearly see you, 

not a version of my father, or a frightened, lonely little boy

that needs affection and care,

but you alone, 

standing on the edge of the precipice of depravity

a dark world, where you are hated, isolated and alone

where i once would have merely waited, calmly 

to watch you fall

or kicked your ass over into the abyss

i now offer you my hand;

in friendship.

i offer you my help and support so that we can help each other.

but all i offer you is my hand.

not my heart,

not my soul,

not my submission.

if you see my hand as unworthy

do not take it

continue your way and trust

that as i walk toward the light

within my soul (that you attempted and continue to try to dim)

i will be alright, happy, complete,

and i will never again be paralyzed by you and what you are capable of

because i now know what i am capable of, and it is awesome.

if you could see my worth, my value to you

is not in a facade

but in the real friendship we could have

with each other.

and if you would 

try to see my hand

as the only gift i possess that

i can freely give to you

my friendship - my choice

and accept it

we can rebuild a life

that may not look like you planned

but is more honest

grounded in reality

and one

with the potential for limitless happiness for our

little team.  

a team that will hopefully always include you

and may expand to include others

but a team that is something we designed.

goodness, light, joy, and order are not nebulous

they are clear, distinct, specific variables

and therefore easy to distinguish from 

the darkness.

there is and has always been something about you

that reminds me, sadly

of the worst of my father

it is what ultimately drew me to you

my mistake was in believing that by helping you

loving you, marrying you - i could save him.

today, i see you clearly for who and what you are

as clearly as i see myself.

all of your wonderful qualities and challenges too.

we are imperfect specimens

but you and i have seen the abyss,

created chaos, turmoil, darkness 

for ourselves and others

i want to prove that we are worthy 

of the gifts the universe has bestowed upon us, our children, our family, our home,

our friends.

i want to try to be friends.

i want to trust you because of who you are

not because i am confusing the metaphors of my youth

or a misguided attempt by my ID to re-establish itself

and solve the problems of my childhood.

i want to be friends because 

the girls need a strong, complete, father 

who is a good man, truly deeply good.

and i don't see you becoming one without me

just as i will never truly lose my demons

without finding a way to believe in you again.

so i cannot promise more

in fact, it is my belief that we are not compatible

in a romantic or sexual way 

beyond technique and whatever history 

has taught us about our preferences.

i also do not believe we are compatible

spiritually.  

while i catch a glimmer of the security you once

helped me feel - that blanket of safety no other person

on this earth has ever given to me, but you.

there are many, many reasons i do not believe

we should ever live together as man and wife.

ultimately, they all fall under the heading of,

you do not inspire me, which merely means

you can not bring out the best in me.

i believe that is an important, necessary component of 

romantic love - 

that inspiration moves each of us to fulfill our destiny

i know this is not what you want to hear - or read

but it is the deepest truth

and in your heart you must know this too.

i need you - the girls need you

but we need to you be a man

not the man - just "a" man.

a good person who can see beyond his 

fears and perceived injustices.

beyond his misguided efforts and manipulations

and a man incapable of being swayed by others

but one with a position about who he is

what he must do for his family

and what his vision is for his children's future.

a strong man 

who has the power to destroy the demons

he created

and find his inner goodness, compassion

and love the way his team needs to be loved

if you can do this

if you can even genuinely try to do this

then i see such a bright, limitless future for our 

little team.  

i am so hopeful,

because i know what you are capable of

what you have the capacity to do 

your strength, tenacity and resolve are 

some of your most powerful qualities

use them to move yourself forward toward the inner light

that is aching to burn brightly within you.

and i promise, i will give you my hand, in friendship.