Things Change

If we are always growing, it stands to reason our relationships must adapt in response to our continual evolution.  Recently I went out with a friend and his girlfriend.  Now what made this outing a bit unique is the fact that this was a guy I dated.  Not too seriously, but enough to go out to dinner and go on some very fun dates and for me to learn how to make food from his native land of Pakistan, so I could cook him dinner once.  Things between us were... nice.  Not boring, but there was just no "there, there". 

Instead of losing each others numbers and pretending like we did not exist until we stumbled upon each other in this small town, we "decided" to be friends.  And not "just" friends, but true friends.  We made a conscious effort to keep in touch, not just those painful, conversations about what we are doing on any given day, but truly taking an interest in each others lives.  Every couple of weeks or so we would talk, laugh, grab a bite, or a drink. 

After a few months of being in the "friend" zone, it was ok to discuss who were were dating, and everything just grew from there.  This was an entirely new realm.  Can you recycle guys you wanted to date into friends you truly want to hang out with?  I mean sure you can, but should you is the real question.  The answer is a bit complex and depends on the two people involved, and the nature, complexity and depth of the relationship, but it can be done.  I recommend it, in the right situations.  First it enables you to continually evolve by expanding your circle of friends and it allows you to grow by seeing people outside of your original paradigms and learn about yourself and your dating persona. 

This weekend, me and my friend kicked it up a notch by actually going out with him and his "new" girlfriend.  As I prepared for our time together, it was important for me to make a good impression.  First, I am a naturally competitive person, and come on, there was a tiny bit of me that felt like - I want to look good.  Second, he means a lot to me and him trusting me to be with his new girlfriend, was important, I wanted to make a good impression and validate that he was right to trust me with someone who was precious to him.  The event was made more complicated by the fact that she and I would be alone together for the first couple hours before he could get off work and meet us, and the fact that I was deep in PMSland and not feeling my best what with the bloating, nausea, headache and all...

The good news is she was nice, a real sweetheart and pleasant to be around.  She was kind of in a weird place because I don't think he gave her sufficient information about our history, but even without it she was very sweet and friendly.  We had a good time and it was not awkward other than that normal social awkwardness that is present as people meet and get to know one another. 

So the point here is, every date does not have to be an interview for a boyfriend or husband, and every boyfriend does not have to be a husband.  Relationships should be used to explore how you can best interact with a person.  Sometimes you know right away, which category the person is in, Lover, or FWB (friend with bens), or The ONE.  Most times it takes a while to know exactly what role, if any, the person will play in your life.  By remaining openly observant, and treating people with affection, respect and kindness, any relationship can morph into something pleasantly unexpected. 

I take pride in remaining friends with past lovers, boyfriends, and knowing that there are enough mutual feelings and respect to want to remain in each others lives.  Things change, people evolve and the one constant should be the way you treat the people you care for, even when the nature of the relationship turns into something unexpected.