She Hate Me

A good friend asked me why it seems so easy for a person who once loved you, or said that they did, to become someone who does hateful things to you when the relationship does not work out. I do not have the answer because so much of how and why people interact with one another depends on the individuals involved. It is not easy to predict how someone will respond after their heart is broken, or when they get caught in a lie or cannot convince the person they care about to work things out one more time.


Bottom line is this, love is complex and fragile. People who fall in love tend to be even more complex and fragile than those emotions. When you love someone you let your guard down. The more a person has been hurt, the more they protect themselves. When they open their heart to you and you hurt them (whether you mean to or not) the feelings of betrayal, anger, and pain are devastating. My grandmother would always tell me you can choose your actions but not your consequences. When you hurt someone badly, how they respond will likely directly correspond to how much they cared for you.

If the love was deep and lasting, and they believe you did something to jeopardize that, their response is likely to be swift and severe. They may sever all ties, destroy your property, share personal, inappropriate, information about you with friends and relatives or anything else they believe will cause you to feel some of the pain they believe you caused for them.

It does not mean they did not love you, or may still not love you. When someone you love hurts you it is because a large part of the frustration they feel is a is loss of control. You feel as though you were a team, a unit, and could survive anything just because you were together. You shared intimate details of your lives together and probably many experiences from before you met. You bonded and your closeness helped you feel more safe in the world, as though having this person in your life was a safe port in a storm of life. When the person you love calls all that into question, you feel a tremendous loss of control. You are left bereft with feelings of anger and confusion that can cause many people to strike out and try to harm the person they believe caused it all. You.

That does not mean they never loved you. It means they are in pain and acting out is almost a reflex for them so they can try to regain some of the control they believed they lost when you hurt them and caused them to feel such hurt, anger and frustration. It does not mean it is the right thing to do, but it is somewhat natural. Especially, if they do not have healthy, positive, caring people in their lives to encourage them to be mature toward you and make decisions based on the type of person they want to be, rather than give in to their most base instincts. Those instincts may tempt them to indulge in shallow, childish, spiteful behaviors and activities. Having a healthy circle of friends and family to keep you focused and thinking clearly can make all the difference in the world.

Without this network, people make mistakes, and those errors in judgment can hurt and confuse you as much as they felt anger and confusion. That is why ending relationships can cause escalations of anger, harsh words, destroyed property and acts of violence. Each interaction causing more pain and making the way for the other person to feel justified in doing the same or worse.

At some point, one of you has to be the bigger person. The person who remembers that there truly was love in the relationship between the two of you. And even when the romantic love is gone, it does not mean you have to fill that emptiness with anger and vengeance. It can be filled with patience, understanding, respect and affection. Everyone loves and expresses love differently, so it's impossible to truly know or understand how another person feels love, or if they ever did. You can only be accountable for your feelings, your actions and your heart.

If you truly felt love for another person consider yourself blessed and humbled by those feelings because it is one of the rare times in our lives when we are truly touched by the finger of God. Don't allow pettiness, spitefulness and anger to control your actions or your life. If you cannot be friends, walk away with your dignity and integrity in tact confident in the knowledge that you honored the love you were given and prepare yourself for the future, whatever it may hold. You will be a better person and your blessings will be tenfold.